Sunday, November 30, 2008

071.

Last night I witnessed something that I thought I would only hear about in the news and see in movies. I don't understand the appeal of cutting off the oxygen flow to your brain and turning purple. I didn't think the "whip-it" trend would penetrate my circle of friends. I left the party last night soon after someone I didn't know fell on me, knocking me into the refrigerator. The dinner party beforehand was lovely and it was nice to dress up and spend some time with close friends and no strangers.

Friday, November 28, 2008

070.

Bear Vs. Shark: We Were Sad But Now We're Rebuilding

It's weird to think about this time last year-the relationships, the grudges, etc. This time last year, I was happily in a relationship with Luke, probably one of the best relationships I have ever been in. I spent almost everyday at Dude Lounge with my girls, having long bathroom talks while Kyle would bang on the door because it's used for waste disposal, not girl talk. After Ryan moved out and Peyton got his room, I had my own makeshift bed in Ryan/Peyton's old room. I'd lay there till 6am with Luke just holding him and loving every second of my life. There was rarely drama and life was good. Now when I go to the old Dude Lounge and see how it is now, I can't help but to remember the certain things that happened in each spot. The staircase that Peyton pantsed me on because I chose sweatpants. The room that I cried myself to sleep in when Luke left me. Things were so different last year and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. Now there is so much deceit and lying and backstabbing that I don't care to be a part of. There's always something to be said. And I'm alone. Maybe I just never noticed it.

Complete the syntax, rearrange my thought process. In time, every point will form a line, prenatal cycle while you're pushing the jack again. And you backed up much too far, too far. And we thought this movement fell short. Then there's a concrete wall. This is a parade. There are the stars in your eyes. This is an ending thought that pushes my feet. This is the moonlight and these are the stars in your eyes and these are the times that reflect inside your smile. And I thought we came too close to the ground. The zeppelin failed to push you away. The greco roman doors have been opened to the Thailand traders, but I would never trade you in for an idea without just cause. Nail us to this cross with a d.n.a. photo album of the times we lost. Live in the earth again, road maps as eyes. I am alive and leaving.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

069.

Thanksgiving 2001 was the last holiday my dad was alive for. It was painful to see him in a wheelchair. I remember he was so fragile yet he wanted me to sit on his lap. That night was ultimately the last night I sat on his lap. This Thanksgiving was spent in Columbus with my sister and her husband's family. It was nice and simple but I couldn't help but to be sad.

Monday, November 24, 2008

068.

Japanther: The Dirge

I can say that Saturday was the best day I've had in a really long time. KSwain and I rode the trail behind the barn and even though it was really short, the ending was the best. At the top of this big hill is a flat grassy area that Dobbin loved. If he wasn't running around, he was all dancy and jittery. It was a pretty view as well. I wish I would have had my camera with me. I really want to go on an all day trail or a weekend trip soon. I wish Rupert wasn't such as asshole so Kelsey could come too. After riding, I went to the toy store and mall with Kelsey, Ben, and Maria. Malls really annoy me during the holiday season but looking at toys was fun. Went to Red Pepper afterwards with Kelsey and Ben. Pretty much the entire time we were laughing. I love them so much. Moments like that remind me why I still keep Ben close to me.

I love you no matter where you spend the night. You can always come back to me, because I'm nothing and you are everything.

Friday, November 21, 2008

067.

I have so many things on my mind that have been building up, they're all most likely meaningless when it comes down to it.

"Human relationships didn't work anyhow. Only the first two weeks had any zing, then the participants lost their interest. Masks dropped away and real people began to appear: cranks, imbeciles, the demented, the vengeful, sadists, killers. Modern society had created its own kind and they feasted on each other. It was a duel to the death...in a cesspool."
— Charles Bukowski , 1978

I read this and it actually made me really sad because I think it's true. Maybe I'm bitter because I've yet to have a semi-successful relationship. Rodney is the only ex I speak to and even that took a year and a half. It really is true that people's true colors come out after the excitement is over.

I wish I could spend time with my friends and have a decent time without all the bullshit. For example, I was having an awesome night Tuesday night but then it was ruined by the immaturity of people and the fact that I don't know who actually sticks up for me these days. I haven't been with Allyson nearly as much as I used to be, yet she had my back and attempted to solve the issue. By the way, I'm not the kind of girl to get on him while you're dating him. I do have respect for myself and for other people. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't run your mouth about it, I've been nothing but civil to you.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

066.

Elliott Smith: Going Nowhere.

My love for Elliott Smith will never die, even when it reminds me of some happy times that I miss and some sad times as well. For instance, Luke called me and sang me "Angel in the Snow" and we used to listen to the New Moon album everytime we drove somewhere. Another memory is of Syd's mom and I listening to Elliott Smith on cassette and crying when "Everything Reminds Me of Her" came on. I love just laying and listening and thinking, even if it makes me revisit hard times.

He waved hello silent like a mime. We met, there's no changing my mind. I won't walk the stairs with you tonight, going nowhere. The clock moved a quarter of a turn, the time it took a cigarette to burn. She said you got a lot of things to learn, going nowhere. Saw you move a certain way. Missed you a lot. Return to this abandoned place, should a been forgot. Echoes drown the conversation out. Echoes that only seem to bring about a silent expression. Things you may allow going nowhere. The steps made a pattern I'd never seen. I felt like a kid of six or seventeen. I was off in some empty day dream, going nowhere. It's dead and gone matter of fact, maybe for the best. Said some things you can't take back honestly I guess. The old records sitting on the floor, the ones I can't put on anymore. He walked over to her like before, going nowhere.

Monday, November 17, 2008

065.

Chairlift: Bruises

Today was miserable. I'm sick and hopeless. I was hoping today you'd remember and make my day, but of course you forgot. And of course I was left disappointed. I wish I had the money for a vacation and just leave Cincinnati for a few days. Thanksgiving is next week, the first of many painful events.

I tried to do handstands for you. I tried to do headstands for you. Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell. I tried to do handstands for you, but every time I fell for you I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you. I tried to do handstands for you. I tried to do headstands for you. Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell I tried to do handstands but every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you. I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruisy knees but frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like all those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruisy knees. Hot July ain't good to me. I'm pink and black and blue. I got bruises on my knees for you and grass stains on my knees for you. Got holes in my new jeans for you.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

064.

I hope that one day you will make up your mind and stop throwing my emotions around. Everytime I begin to realize that we'll always be just friends, you pull the same the stunt you did last night. I can't say that I minded but it also hurt a little. Maybe one day you'll realize. One day.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

063.

Architecture in Helsinki: Kindling

Winter's loneliness is beginning to kick in.

I'm glad you came into see me today, seeing that I haven't seen you in almost a week and usually I see you everyday. It's nice to know that you think to peek into the store to see if I'm working. You used to just stroll on by. At this point in time, I just want someone to talk to, not necessarily date, just so that thoughts of you leave my mind. I wish that wasn't the only solution.

I really need a new job or another job in addition to the one that I have. I have so many things to pay for and do not have nearly enough funds to pay for it all. $70 for my cell phone. $70 for the added amount to my car insurance from an accident that wasn't my fault. $14 per bag of grain for Dobbin and Hope, who knows how often I'll have to buy them. $8.79 and a overdraft charge. Plus the expense of gas, having a social life, and saving for my future life in Chicago. I guess it really doesn't seem like much but before I used to get by just fine and now I'm constantly strapped for cash. I'm afraid I won't be able to move to Chicago in May, like I had planned. I guess staying in Cincinnati for another summer wouldn't be so horrible, but I'd like to get adjusted to the city before I dive into a competitive art school. Maybe I'll take a year off and travel with Kelsey around the country. I'm afraid that if I stay here for longer than another summer, I'll never leave.

You won't count to seven, it's usually 'til ten. To hell with Sydney girls, you're much better than them. On my mattress I've been drawing a line where I'll shut my eyes and where you should lie, if you should lie. I'll be a lighter of fires, you'll be the fighter of fires. Should I choose to stay here now all depends on buildings, buses, streets, trees, rain and friends. On my mattress I've been drawing a line where I'll shut my eyes and where you should lie, if you should lie. I'll be a lighter of fires, you'll be a fighter of fires.

062.

Hearing I'll Believe In Anything last night was a beautiful end to a stressful day. When I got out of class and into my car to drive to the barn, I got several phone calls from the Kelseys telling me that Dobbin's stall was chained up. So I frantically drove downtown to the courthouse to have my mom do something. She gave me a check for the remaining amount I owed Leigh for boarding and I went to Lowe's and bought a bolt cutter. When I got to the barn I cut open a few links of the chain and got him out. Someone called the police and I honestly thought I was going to get arrested even though she had unlawfully chained up my horse. The police officer was on my side and pretty much thought Leigh was crazy. Leigh said to the police officer that she was going to sue me for the chain if I don't leave money and that I should be arrested for destruction of property. The police officer wrote her report, wished me good luck, pet Dobbin, and then left. Now I'm at a lovely barn with lovely people and Dobbin seems really happy.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

061.

Owen: In the Morning Before Work

Friday night was probably one of the best nights that I've had in awhile. I was able to be a little kid again and play laser tag with Amanda, Keith, Jenn, Matt, Kelsey, and KSwain. Lately I've been so stressed out that running around with my best friends and seven year olds was the best outlet I could ask for. Tomorrow afternoon I move Dobbin to his new home, which is cheaper, nicer, and very family oriented. I'm hoping this will be the last time I move him until we move to Chicago. This will be his fourth move in four years. I feel really good about the new barn and I'm hoping it won't let me down. They seem to actually care about their animals. Hopefully he'll be fed well enough that you won't be able to see his ribs anymore. He'll be nineteen in February, so now more than ever is the time for him to be healthy so I don't have to retire him anytime soon.

I eat with these crooked teeth tomato soup and grilled cheese. But you already know that because you used to dine with me. Do you remember? I listen to my same old cd's, New Order and Morissey. But you already know that because you used to ride with me. I thought I'd be singing a different tune by now but this song about you keeps coming out. I sleep in these dirty sheets, a blanket between my boney knees. But you already know that because you used to crawl in bed with me in the morning before work. Put your hands on my back, kiss the back of my neck. I thought i'd be singing a different tune by now but this song about you keeps coming out. I hoped to be singing to someone new by now but the song's about you.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

060.

"Alone With Everybody" by Charles Bukowski

The flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.
there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.
nobody ever finds
the one.
the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill
nothing else
fills.

059.

I cannot compete with three and a half years or any other thin, beautiful girl to pass your way. Why do I still try?

The past couple weeks haven't been so great. The police officer from my accident took my statement down wrong so when my insurance company compared the statements, they didn't believe me. Ben's statement supposedly wouldn't matter either. So now I'm stuck paying for a new front bumper on a new SUV when it wasn't even my doing. As awful as it sounds, recent events have made me want to move even more. I know I can't run from my problems, but I'm excited to start a new life for myself, hopefully one with good people and good times. I love my few select friends here that are worth staying in Cincinnati for but I just can't do it. Winter is coming and its the first winter in two years that I will be spending alone. Winter also includes the seven year anniversary of my dad's death and his seventy-fifth birthday. I know my life would be so different had he not passed away, but I like to think that I would be happier.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

058.

I have never really been interested in politics, probably because it is always the topic of coversation in my family. Or maybe I'm just an ignorant American. But seeing that I cannot legally vote, I don't find it necessary to display my "candidate pride." I can only hope that Obama will provide the change that this country needs and that's a pretty full plate.

A few weeks after Luke and I broke up and had our incident, Becca told me that the only place I was allowed to cry was the shower. Once I got out, I had to force myself to smile and live the day, whether it was enjoyable or not. It helped for awhile until I bottled in so many emotions that the smallest things made me burst into an emotional breakdown. Last night I got in the shower, simply to just cry. I haven't had a good cry in a few weeks, which is something that most would be thankful for. But because I find my friends less and less easy to talk to, crying is my only emotional outlet. Riding and photography are only distractions that cannot last twenty-four hours a day, 7 days a week. I wish I was doing manual again this year instead of digital because it would take up more of my time. I guess I could do both and just not have a life outside of that. I need something different to channel my mind on.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

057.

I distracted myself from you for a week. Involving myself if a fantasy world where someone who hasn't even met me, wants to fall in love with me. Unfortunately it was quickly ruined. You told me you loved me last night, most likely in a friend way. I can't help but to doubt it. I overanalyze every moment of my life. I wish I could just live it and not think about my actions or what I say.