122.

Built to Spill : Some Things Last a Long Time

I was supposed to work all week this week but the snow is only allowing me to work 3 of those 6 days. I was looking forward to a good amount of money to put away and have in my pocket. I'm still pretty apathetic about everything but I suppose I'm happier. Even though the snow has turned to brown slush, the sunshine nice. I'm hoping that tomorrow's somewhat warm weather will melt most of it. I want to shoot a lot of photographs this weekend. I have used my Nikon D40 once and that was a couple days ago. Maybe I can actually see Aaron tomorrow and we can do a shoot. I recently scanned some old photos. I have lost a lot of my black and white photographs. I think I'm going to spend a lot of time in the darkroom when I don't have class. I have so many negatives that I never developed.

Jen Berter - "The Poles" ; Loveland, OH.

Allyson Duncan - "Dude Lounge" ; Cincinnati, OH.


Jasen Roellig - Cincinnati, OH.

Becca Hofrichter - Chicago, IL.

Mary Hudson - Spring Grove Cemetery; Cincinnati, OH.

Your picture is still on my wall. The colors are bright as ever. The red is strong, the blue is true. Some things last a long time. Your picture is still on my wall. I think about you often. I can't forget all the things we did. Some things last a long time. It's funny but it's true and it's true but it's not funny. Time comes and goes, all the while I still think of you. Some things last a long time. Your picture is still on my wall. The colors are bright as ever. Times that we shared all that we forget. Some things last a life time.

121.

Happy birthday, Rodney.



2 years ago.

120.

Here we go again.

Today my dad would have been 75.

119

Regardless of what has been bothering me lately, I had a pretty decent weekend. I think I have said all I needed to say and my friends have given the best advice they can. Friday night I went to Grammar's with everyone. Felt extremely awkward and upset but in the end I was surrounded by almost everyone I love. Saturday night was extremely weird but I enjoyed myself. Aaron called wanting to hang out but we didn't end up doing that. I wish we had, I miss him so much. I ended up at a party in Covington with everyone from the previous night. When we walked in there was a "fashion show". Before the fashion show there was supposedly a poetry reading and band or something? I spent most of the evening talking to Mitch. I need to talk to a man about my current situations so that I can better understand what the fuck I'm doing. Although I heard nothing I wanted to, I'm at ease now. Ended the evening dancing a bit and sleeping in my own bed.

118.

Owen: Everyone Feels Like You

Today was really not the day for fake smiles or replying to customers with "I'm doing well, thank you. How about yourself?" But alas, I had to or else I would not have made so many sales. One woman said that it is refreshing to be in a store so welcoming. That made things a bit better. Also an old man came in to the store and was hard at hearing. He would ask the price of things and he soon became very rude because he thought I was saying "No" when I was actually telling him the price. I've cooled down a bit from earlier today. I don't want to jump off of a building anymore. I was very productive and it made me feel better.

I have been listening to Elliott Smith, Owen, and Mt. Eerie all day. Someone asked me if it was my suicide mix.

A head that aches doesn’t have to stay that way, just let what’s dead go. I know there's pain in leaving things all too well. In time, you’ll find needing things only kills you slowly. If you’re not sure who you are, you’re not alone. If you’re not sure what you want, you’re not alone. If you’re not sure of life of love, you’re not alone. Tell your friends, hey come on over and we'll talk. You bring the drinks, I’ll bring the bad news. Everyone feels like you. Tell your dad to come on over and we’ll talk, you bring your drinks, I’ll bring the fuck you’s. Long awaited - long overdue. Tell your ex-girlfriend you need her to be there at bedtime. ' Cause you can't sleep with your mind on all these things. Bring out what’s dead and dying, rotting body, while you still can.

117.

Owen: Bed Abuse

Today, the sunshine will not put a smile on my face.

My heart has always been bigger than my brain. I don't know how my heart has not become steel. Last night, the phrase of the evening seemed to be "You deserve so much more than what you settle for." I'm an idiot, I know this. I'm spontaneous without any thought of what will come.

I have six months left in this city. Can I please enjoy them? Even though I hate the fact that everyone in this city knows everything about everyone, it was nice that people could tell I was upset last night and they knew exactly why.

On a lighter note, Mitch agreed to a "Becca's Legal" party in August. Now that I will be legal, everyone has to motor boat me when they walk in the door. I think everyone else will be far more entertained with this thought than I.

I spend most days in this bed that I abuse, on these pillows that you can’t get used to. I spend entire days putting off that which can't wait until I’m knee deep in my own waste. And I think that I’m justified ‘cause I’ve seen what trying’s done for those who've tried. I spend most days in this bed too small for two, misplacing time like I’ve got it to lose. I spend endless days thinking of all the different ways that we make love and I think that I’m justified ‘cause I’ve seen what living’s done for those alive. I spend entire days in this bed too small for two, on these pillows that you can’t get used to. And that’s why I don’t sleep at night. And that’s why I don’t feel right in this city. It’s more me than you.

116.

It felt so good to drive with my windows down today. The sunshine was just what I needed. I wonder if men think that if they rev their engines at women, that automatically makes us want to fuck them. A guy pulled up next to me today in one of the shittiest cars I have ever seen. I laughed. I wish that I wasn't working so that I could be outside taking photographs. I need to be productive so that I can feel better.

I finally listened to Luke's solo project today. It gave me the chills and almost made me cry. But I've promised myself to never let him have that effect on me ever again.

115.

Supposedly one of my grandma's friends is a prominent figure in the Chicago art world and is going to get me a part time job and introduce me to people. It's nice that I'll have two people to help me out if I need it. I don't want to become dependent on anybody while I'm there. This is my chance for a new life and for me to be selfish for once.

114.

Happy birthday, Paige.

I wanted to go out tonight and celebrate Paige's birthday and my acceptance to Columbia but my head is pounding. It hurts so bad to the point that I can't even sleep it off. Sorry, Paige, I'm a shithead.

113.

I got accepted to Columbia!

It's funny, most of the family members I called today started crying. I think everyone made me out to fail because I'm the "rebel" of the family. I like tattoos and piercings. I want to persue a career in art, not medicine or law. Now I'm one step closer to where I want to be, and nobody can believe it.

112.

Frightened Rabbit: The Modern Leper

I've decided to actually have a social life tonight. I'm hoping that all goes well and I won't have to deal with the usual bullshit. I really don't want to regret going out tonight. My back doesn't feel very good today.

I got a very nice text from someone today. It made me realize how there is always hope for fixing something that is broken.

A cripple walks amongst you all you tired human beings. He's got all the things a cripple has- not working arms and legs and vital parts fall from his system and dissolve in Scottish rain. Vitally he doesn't miss them. He's too fucked up to care Well, is that you in front of me coming back for even more of exactly the same? You must be a masochist to love a modern leper on his last le. Well, I crippled your heart a hundred times and still can't work out why. You see, I've got this disease I can't shake and I'm just rattling through life. Well, this is how we do things now. Yeah, this is how the modern stay scared. So I cut out all the good stuff. Yeah, I cut off my foot to spite my leg. Well, is that you in front of me coming back for even more of exactly the same? You must be a masochist to love a modern leper on his last leg. Well, I am ill but I'm not dead and I don't know which of those I prefer. Because that limb which I have lost, well, it was the only thing holding me up. Well, I'm lying on the ground now.Walking through the only door. Well, I have lost my eyesight like I said I would. But I still know. And that is you in front of me and you are back for even more of exactly the same? Well, are you a masochist to love a modern leper on his last leg? And you are not ill. And I'm not dead Doesn't that make us the perfect pair? Just you and me. We'll start again and you can tell me all about what you did today.

111.

I've pretty much been a homebody these days. It might just be the fact that everytime I step outside I feel my insides freezing. I actually wanted to go out tonight but I slept longer for the hour nap I intended.

I want to feel alive again. I want have overwhelming butterflies when I see a boy I'm passionate about.

Throw something at me, please.

110.

Thank you, Keith, for finding this.

Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PM PST

Dear Men of Craigslist,
Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.
But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following: "Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight." "You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?" "I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.
If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles. In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who.

Location: Seattle
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 561877622


This made me laugh so hard and cringe a little bit.

109.

My seasonal depression has now developed into a disgustingly apathetic attitude towards everything. In a way, it's nice not caring about anything because I'm not so stressed, but because it is not my nature, I'm even more depressed. I got a Nikon D40 last night so hopefully I start shooting again and being productive. I have a lot of volunteers to model this time around, which I'm pretty excited for.

108.

Kind of Like Spitting: Afraid of Crushes

Confusion seems to be my constant state of mind. It is somewhat depressing how apathetic I am about most things these days. My mother thinks it's a good thing.

The way your hair fell across your eyes spoiled my plans to never fall again. And when in vain I said so plain, that I could love, love that face hold those hands, love that place make big plans. She almost cried. And is it alright if I bury myself in your charms? And is it alright if I swear to you without a sound? How odd behaved in situations like these, I cant believe that I'm here I can't believe that you'd care. And if or rather when it all goes wrong will I retain any dignity at all? Unlike the last one under a cold sun. Unlike the last one. I almost died. Is it alright if I bury myself in your charms? And is it alright if if swear to you without a sound?

107.

"Sonnet 43"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sigh
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints- I love with the breath,
Smiles, tears of all my life! - and if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barret Browning

106.

It was so nice to hear from you today and know that I've been on your mind. I look forward to seeing you soon.

105.

Trust: assurance or reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

I always thought it inconceivable that people could have no trust in anyone. Now it seems like the best option. One of the reasons I never found therapy useful is because I didn't understand why I should pay someone to listen to my problems when I had friends. I don't think I will be sharing very much information with my friends anymore. This will drive me crazy but I can't deal with unnecessary interferences anymore, even if it is for "my best interest." Let me live.

My mom told me today that I've been smiling and laughing more often but today I seemed to be back in my funk. Of course I knew I why, but I couldn't tell her. I wish I was best friends with my mom and could tell her things without her worrying or lecturing. I know it is her nature as a mother. Maybe when we're no longer under the same roof, things will change. She also asked me if I had spoken to Luke recently. I told her I hadn't spoken to him in a long time and I can truthfully say I'm okay with that. I'm not repulsed by the sight of him. He's just someone that I used to know. Looks like I've already achieved my new year's resolution in the first week and a half.

104.

Hello hibernation.

103.

I had to drop status in Art History today. It was really disappointing and when my teacher asked me if I was okay, I had to leave pretty quickly so that I wouldn't cry in front of her. I usually do not blame anyone or anything for my faults except for myself, but this year's round of seasonal depression has made my this past quarter hell. I'm passing all of my classes but my grades are not as high as I would like them to be. I never used to be "average."

You're still in the back of my mind, where you'll stay until you can make a solid decision. I can't keep holding myself back. I can't keep hoping to changing your mind.

102.

I love him.

101.

"The fashion photographer inside my head yells: Give me pity. Flash. Give me another chance. Flash."

100.

In the nine years I have spent with horses, I have never had an injury this bad, which is actually not that bad at all. I went to my uncle's office today for x-rays. He said that when you lay on your side your spine is supposed to curl on the bottom (I forget the medical term) but mine doesn't, it's abnormally straight. Other than that, nothing bad showed up on my x-rays. Then I went down the road to his chiropractor friend. The massage was painful but helped me walk with more ease. The shock therapy was very uncomfortable. The stretches made me feel like an idiot. He only expects that I'll need therapy the rest of the week and I should start feeling better. I'm not allowed to ride for awhile which is going to kill me. I hope there's only bad weather this week so I won't feel so terrible not riding.

I think I would enjoy digital photography more if I knew more about Photoshop. Someone teach me the ways. Also, I really want a wide-angle lense. I finally got a flash for my 35mm so I'm all set for this semester's area of concentration. [If you don't mind being naked under sheets, you should probably volunteer to model for me.]

099.

Another near death experience caused by horses:

Today KSwain and I rode the trail behind the barn knowing it was a bit muddy. At the top of the huge hill we were racing and running around having a grand ole time. After running the straight for the 547839th time I tried to stop Dobbin but he slid in the mud downhill and decided he was going to run downhill, probably because he was scared. Because this was unexpected, I flew over the saddle and was sitting on his neck with my arms wrapped around him. At the bottom of the hill I was still on him but in a tricky position to dismount. So I threw one leg down and as I was throwing the other one over my boot got caught on the horn, causing me to smack my back on a large rock. I'm so happy that my horse and I have such a strong bond. Most horses would not allow you to hold onto their neck and continue to hold their head up so you can dismount with falling face first. My back hurts really bad and I think I'm going to go back to the doctor for some x-rays. My back is already extremely messed up from riding. Maybe I should start wearing a brace.

I received an invitation for the Presidential Scholarship through Columbia. Hopefully I can keep my grades up this semester so I will get it. My ACT and SAT scores blow. Fuck standardized testing.

098.

I just saw the new Will Smith movie. I cried.

097.

Kind of Like Spitting: All Else Failed.

Usually I don't make New Year's resolutions but this year I am. This year I will forget you.

I'm cleansing myself of everything that has happened in the past two years. I'm focusing on my own happiness now.

There's a place in my heart that won't kiss you goodbye, that can't accept the truth that things aren't working out as planned. It's so hard to admit that I drove you away with all this negativity, this anger every day. Your heart doesn't belong to me. Your heart doesn't belong to me. I know I don't have the right to bug you with how this feels, it's just the hardest thing I've been through, nothing's ever felt so real. And on this Sunday night you'll be making love to him, I know because you told me I'm never going to win. Your heart doesn't belong to me. The blood is not on your hands. It's not your fault that I write these things at night. I brought it on myself. I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this. Do I really deserve this?

096.

Last night was pretty bad. The only good parts were seeing Becca and Kelsey Swain, Lee, and I letting David give us steps. We left without saying goodbye to anybody, don't be offended, we just were having an awful time.