036.

"THE HEART"
by Stephen Crane

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

I've been reading my old journals from around this time 2006 and 2007. It's giving me a disgusting feeling of nostalgia. I love being able to open all my windows and let cold air in while I sleep, even if I'm sleeping alone. For the past two years I've spent my winter with someone and this year might be a lonely one. I look forward to spending it with my close friends and snuggling all the animals at Kelsey's. I'm not looking forward to the depression that comes around this time of year. October 2001 was when my family was told my dad would only live two weeks to a month. He gave us two months.

035.

Ben and I are temporarily working together which is a blast and a bit depressing at the same the time. It would have been nice if he would have danced around the store in hot pants like he said he would. Oh well. I've been working on being a better, generous person, mindful of others' feelings and needs. I've also given up on quite a few people that were probably not beneficial to my life to begin with. Although this is emotionally draining, I feel accomplished. Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out had I made different decisions but I've realized that I have to live in the present and not in the past. I worked my ass off to get my first portfolio review finished and my instructor really likes what I've been doing lately. Hopefully I won't get distracted and can continue producing work that I like and is up to her standards. This is all for now.



Photograph by Ryan McGinley.

034.

Don't flatter yourself.

033.

Sea Wolf: The Garden That You Planted.

Fuck.

Now it’s only work. Each day bleeding into the next, barely scraping by. I tire myself out just so I can rest. But rest it rightly comes and when it does, I come out and go home because it’s much too quiet. Seems that I’m not suited to being in love. And everyone around me’s changed but the garden that you planted remains. I think about you, maybe more than I should. But the smog is getting old the drugs I’m taking aren’t so good. So will you talk to me, even though you’ve had a late night? Because I need a little help. Baby, tell me I’ll be alright cause everything around me’s changed but the garden that you planted remains.



Photograph by Nan Goldin.

032.

Today was my first day of work in two weeks. I think this is the first time I've actually been excited to work since I've been so broke lately. One of the people I work for came in to the store today to vent to me about his breakup. It is amazing to me that a man that is fifty something years old chooses to talk to a teenage employee about something so personal. He told me that he considers me as a friend and feels comfortable saying such things to me. He's a big, tattooed man who looks like he would never share any personal information witha anyone, yet I am on of the few that he feels comfortable with. This pretty much made my day and makes me want to say "fuck you" to every person who thinks I'm a bad person or has put me down.

K Swain and I are planning on going to a couple shows soon and going to Columbus for Quarter Horse Congress. I'm excited for this, not only because we're going to see some awesome bands, but because I'm spending more time with her. We went from hanging out all the time to never, so I'm really happy that I'm seeing more of her.

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

031.

I rode tonight with Kelsey, which is always a nice time. I set up barrels thinking that Dobbin wouldn't do a very good job with them considering it's been a year. But when I turned my head over my shoulder to line us up, he knew exactly what to do and did it almost perfectly. Tonight gave me hope. I'm so greatful for a best friend who always does everything possible for me, even if it's an eighteen year old horse. A couple days ago last year, he was laying in his own blood, not able to stand. A year later he is on all fours, trying to run his heart out for me once again.

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

030.

Sunset Rubdown: Shut Up I Am Dreaming of Places Where Lovers Have Wings.

I'm slipping again and I don't know who to turn to.

I'm afraid of the water. I'm afraid of the sky. I'm tired of waiting. Oceans never listen to us anyway. And if I fall into the drink, I will say your name before I sink. So don't make a sound.

Photograph by Mike Brodie.

029.

Sometimes I really surprise myself. I don't know what bone or brain cell in my body makes me care for those who have a burning passion of hate for me or have continuously had something to say about me. I believe this is my weakness and my strong point all at the same time. My constant forgiveness makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of, yet it gives me a stronger sense of self and how the world works. I know that I can offer to lend a helping hand to someone that dislikes me and that offer may not be taken up. I am not offended, nor am I hurt by it, because I know that in my heart, I care for everyone's well being. I can only hope that my efforts may change someone's opinion of me, but in reality, I know it's a rarity. As I am slowly losing my sense of self and direction, I am conforted in this quality that will always stay with me.



Photograph by Ryan McGinley.

028.

I love that you think my life is any of your business or has anything to do with you.



Photograph by Nan Goldin.

027.

I've been in Chicago for all of twelve hours and I have had such a great time. The drive up here was interesting to say the least. As soon as we got here, we went to a party where the tenants referred to themselves as "cuntz" and were all lesbian. I'm pretty sure we were the only straight people there, which I was completely comfortable with, maybe even more comfortable than I would feel with a sea of liquored up girls looking for a "nice fuck." There was a huge basket full of contraceptives and lube at the entrance of the apartment. I usually never talk to people I don't know at parties because I never know how to start a conversation with someone and get really awkward and intimidating to the point that I am completely avoided by strangers. I usually don't dance at random parties either but was literally hoola hooped into doing so. I talked to two very nice girls who had just moved to Chicago and didn't know anyone [p.s they didn't know each other before the party]. Soon the conversation became a compliment session and the girls were talking about dating, which I of course thought was a joke. Later in the evening they were kissing in a corner. Party goes on and all the noise was stopped and about ten people just started cheering. Some of the cheers were entertaining but it was the final aspect of the party to fully make my mouth drop. I had no complaints.

I haven't been going to school lately just because I feel so out of touch with it. I only enjoy two of my classes. I could be finished in three months but my mother insists on me continuing for another unneeded semester so that she can see me walk. Not moving out when I wanted to is starting to prove to be the wrong choice. I can wait until I move in May.

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

026.

And now I'm huffing gas and sniffing paint to take away this buzz that I call you.



Photograph by Dash Snow.

025.

Tee and I were discussing Chicago the other evening. He said he hates it there because he feels so disconnected and in Cincinnati everybody grew up here and you have stronger connections to everyone. I think one of the incentives of moving to Chicago is the fact that it is so disconnected. I want to be a single, small person is a big city. I need a change. So many people here know my name, whether it's in a good way or a bad way. Too many people know too much about me, which is partially due to my trust issues. I'd like a change of pace and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Photograph by Dash Snow.

024.

I'll come out on top. You'll see.



Photograph by Dash Snow.

023.

Bright Eyes: Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh.

This past week has really been great. I've spent everyday with some really great people. The power outage proved to be more fun that I thought it would be. Sunday night Kelsey, Brandi, Auriel, Cody, Tee, Ben, and I all sat on the porch enjoying the cold weather and wearing ridiculous thrift store finds. The morning afters were great. Brandi, Kelsey, and I would lay in bed together or on the couches downstairs laughing about the night before. I miss having a consistent group of friends that I can be myself around, which hasn't happened in awhile. I know my circle of friends changes frequently due to the everlasting drama that lingers around Cincinnati or just the fact that people change. I am always told how quiet and chill I am and how sometimes it's intimidating or a bummer. This week I have gone out of my realm, possibly because I feel comfortable enough to be weird or quirky. Kelsey wasn't feeling well for the majority of this week and I would get on her bed and dance for her until she cracked a smile. That smile reassured me that I have to be doing something right and I'm not all that bad of a person. Tomorrow Kelsey and I are driving to Chicago to spend the weekend with everyone. Becca's birthday was this week so there's a small party/get together for that. Amanda offered to do some tasteful nudes for me which will be great. It's so frustrating having to form a portfolio in such a short period of time and having so many ideas but no one to help me with them. For some reason I thrive on chaos even though my body doesn't properly process stress. The rush of having so many responsibilities and nearly no time to do them, makes me feel great and accomplished, even if I only have a minute for a breather.

But now we speak with ruined tongues and the words we say aren't meant for anyone. It's just a mumbled sentence to a passing aquaintance. But there was once you. You said you hate my suffering, and you understood, and you'd take care of me. You'd always be there. Well, where are you now?

022.

The Good Life: Inmates.

I recognize your off-white lies, still, I lie beside you- and that's what really hurts.



Photograph by Nan Goldin.

021.

I talked to Aaron today. It was weird at first trying to think of topics to talk about before I got to the point, considering how we used to talk for hours about anything. I pretty much told him that I know I messed up a lot over the course of our friendship/when we were talking, but everyone makes mistakes, I'm just trying to fix mine. I'm really glad that he agreed and thought it actually would be fun to see each other once he's moved out and all settled. I'm sure a lot of people will be upset with me for trying to be his friend again, but I have to take everything I heard he said about me with a grain of salt. I'm not sure who to trust anymore or if I am even capable of trusting at all anymore. I think back at everytime we hung out and how I threw away someone great, even if its thinking about the late night visits at Kroger just so we wouldn't go a day without seeing each other. I often think about how strong our friendship would be, had I not done the things that I did. I just really miss the beginning of this past summer spending everyday with him and Chris. Somehow I felt so comfortable with him and felt like I could tell him anything without him judging me. I hope it all comes back and that "time has solved everything."

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

020.

Elliott Smith: Oh Well, Okay.

I miss having someone to fall alseep sleep next to. I miss having someone stroke my face and my arms with their fingertips until my eyes get heavy. I miss waking up unexpectedly to our fingers intertwined. I miss having an arm around my waist, making me feel safe. I miss waking up to a beautiful face with an even more beautiful heart inside.

I want to talk to Aaron soon but I haven't mustered up the courage yet. Supposedly I should have no problem speaking to him since we're "cool," but "cool" is not the word I was hoping for. I miss him and his family and just sitting around the house with them cracking jokes, or me being the subject of the joke. I can say that Aaron, Chris, and Aaron's family were one of the biggest highlights of my summer. I wish I could've made that last.

Yesterday afternoon I couldn't stop my heart from beating so fast or keep my hands from trembling. Everytime I'm with you, I am reminded of the reasons why I fell for you two years ago. Somehow my heart has forgotten all the pain that was inside me for so long. I am amazed that you are so capable of the quick transitions of my heart. You can go from making me so incredibly happy to the saddest I've ever been from a drop of a hat.

As I am continuing to reinvent myself, the one thing I have struggled the most with is grudges. I can't help but want to hate anyone who has caused pain to me or my friends and family. Lately I have realized that my continuous cycle of hate puts me far below the people causing pain. I'm letting go of every cut and frayed string. Because this is already a big enough step for me, I can not say that I'm going to put forth any more effort with these people and they will merely be considered as "someone that I used to know."

This is all that's on my mind right now as I'm trying to fall asleep in an empty bed in an empty house listening to Elliott Smith on the record player.

Here's the silhouette the face always turned away, the bleeding color gone to black, dying like a day. Couldn't figure out what made you so unhappy. Shook your head to say no no no and stopped for a spell and stayed that way. Oh well, okay. I got pictures, I just don't see it anymore, climbing hour upon hour through a total bore with the one I keep where it never fades in the safety of a pitch black mind, an airless cell that blocks the day. Oh well, okay. If you a get a feeling the next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know. 'Cause it's hard to tell. It's hard to say "Oh well, okay."

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

019.

Open your eyes. I'm standing right in front of you and I'm not going anywhere.



Photograph by Ryan McGinley.

018.

mewithoutYou: Silencer.

I have never been so unmotivated to do art work before in my life. The prompts that I'm receiving are quite possibly the most uninteresting and uninspiring prompts I've ever received. My first one was to take a picture of something with text. The second, take a shattered or broken portrait. The third, take a picture that has linear perspective. I'm such a perfectionist and I have been turning in such poor work because I really have no idea what to do. For the text picture I took a picture of Brandi's mewithoutYou tattoo which was alright. Now supposedly since it's a tattoo and my area of concentration is the body as a canvas (tattoos), I can't use it for my breadth section. So then I took a picture of a homeless woman with a sign. I wanted to take pictures of homeless people as it is but this lady was not dirty or depressed enough looking, as bad as it sounds. But I still handed her $20 and took her picture. The first picture she smiled in because she said that she's always smiling even though she's homeless. I guess it was inspiring but not quite the picture I was hoping for. I have no idea what to do for linear perspective. I keep thinking that the prompts will get better as the class goes on, but they haven't yet. Even the other students work are getting weaker because we are all so uninspired. Granted I could do all of the prompts with photoshop, I don't want to. I already dislike digital photography because I feel that everything is so fabricated and fake. I love doing manual photography because it makes me feel more accomplished when I'm finished because I know everything that made the picture great was me. It's a more satisfying feeling than tweaking everything on the computer and making an alright picture look fantastic. My teacher told me I could continue working in the darkroom and just scanning the pictures in and making small adjustments to perfect the photographs but with the amount of photos I have to produce a week, the darkroom process is extremely long. It already doesn't help that I'm using my 35mm and getting a disk when I bring the film in to be developed. I need a computer that won't die if I put photoshop on it. I wish I was getting paid more or had a better job so that this would be easier for me.

Don't waste your lips on words I've heard before. Kiss my tired head. And each letter written wastes your hand, young man. Come and lead me to your bed. You gave me hope that I'd not lost her and then thought it rather strange to see me smile- as I don't, I don't do too much smiling these days. She put on happiness like a loose dress, over pain I'll never know "So the peace you had," she said, "I must confess, I'm glad to see it go." We're two white roses lying frozen just outside his door. I've made you so happy and so sad, but which should I be more sorry for? Come kiss my face goodbye, that space below my eye and above my cheek cause I'm faint and fading fast, and I see a darkness and I shall be released. I'll pass like a fever from this body, and softly slip into his hands. I tried to love you and I failed, but I have another plan.

017.

I have no remorse for the few people who believe I "ruined their lives". I have done nothing but revealed the truth in them and in the most indirect ways possible. Somehow I get pulled into an interrogation session and I share the few details I have from my own personal experiences, not to be vindictive in any way shape or form. For example, once it was another reason why a girl ended her relationship with her boyfriend, but cheating is never acceptable. It is only so long before people's true colors come out and I know it all too well. I laugh at the people who attempt to call me a liar or nosey when I never once have purposesly involved myself. I laugh at the people who have no self esteem and feel the need to say bad, untrue things about me. Stop playing the victim, it only makes you weaker and will never get you respect. I'd do anything for the people I love or once cared about- ask any of my friends, I'm sure I've done something out of my way to help them, even if they would never do the same.

Photograph by Larry Clark.

016.

Today I helped Kelsey Swain move in. It was so funny seeing her drive this huge Uhaul truck. But funny moments soon turned into scary ones once we found out that the parking break didn't work and the emergency break was missing and when the engine started smoking. But I must say that listening to Dirty was pretty great. Today reminded me of how our friendship was a couple months ago- just driving around or hanging out listening to the radio being ridiculous. I miss it.