198.

Today at my cousin's graduation party, a family member asked me if my boyfriend was moving with me. The boyfriend she was referring to was Luke. I brought him to our Christmas in 2007 and my entire family seemed to love him and frequently asks about him. It was sad to tell her that our relationship had ended but that he's doing really well. I truly am proud of him and wish him the best. Obviously, so does my family. It's weird to think about our plans for our future together in Chicago and that I'm the only one going through with them.

197.

Well, Columbia gave me more money. If my mom's application for a loan is accepted, then I will for sure be going to Columbia next year. I drove around some neighborhoods to see where I would ideally like to live. My brother is moving back to Cincinnati. I wish I could afford to live in his condo- it's beautiful.

I spent two hours at Kroger with Aaron yesterday. I'm getting more and more excited to go camping. It's been really nice being with him lately.

196.

Paul Baribeau : Strawberry

Lately I feel that I have been lowering my standards and accepting second best, or even lower than second best. What happened to my stubbornness that fought for everything I wanted? I have my financial aid meeting with Columbia tomorrow. My mom thinks that my stubbornness is going to be how I make it through my freshman year without dropping out like the other 68%. I guess we'll see.

I get my wisdom teeth pulled June 4th. Then June 11th-13th I'm going camping with Aaron and his family. I'm really excited for it. After my graduation party on the 14th, I start working at the barn I board Dobbin at. Thirty hours a week will put a nice amount of money in my pocket, in addition to the money I make from Ali's.

Part of me wishes I wasn't leaving soon so that I can prove to you how this is meant to be.

To say that you are cute would be like saying a strawberry is sweet. 'Cause a strawberry has secret flavors that are sharp, and tart, and red, and deep, and I would love to find you growing wild out by the woods. I would make a basket with the front of my t-shirt and take home as many of you as I could. And to say that you are pretty would be like saying that the ocean is blue, cause the ocean is full of all kinds of colors, and I see all kinds of things when I look at you. And I want to explore you with my tennis shoes off, standing ankle deep in a tide pool with my khaki pants rolled up. And to say that you are funny would be like saying that the night sky is black. 'Cause the night sky is filled with stars and comets and planets that no one has seen yet and I want to look at you, lying down on my front lawn. I'll try to take you all in at once, but you just go on and on and on.

195.

Maybe it was the hours of tension. Maybe it was because you weren't shy. Maybe it was the way you touched my face. Whatever the reason, you have my attention. It's a shame I don't have your's. But who am I to expect that.

Five hours isn't long when you know what's at the end of the road.

194.

I graduated today. I don't feel any different, possibly because I've already been so emotionally over high school and every tradition associated with it. I meant to wear my dad's wedding ring around my neck like I've been doing lately. I'm kind of upset that I forgot it. I have two tassels so my sister suggested that I leave my extra one at Syd's grave. I wish Amy would call me, even though right now is probably a tough time. Her daughter would have been right there with us, except most likely at SCPA.

I've been reading my notebooks of notes between Syd and I lately. They all make me laugh and smile until I get to the very last note she wrote me. She had so many good things to say about me and such good advice. But the last note she told me that I should have other things to talk about besides my problems and that if I don't care what people think about me, I shouldn't care if I don't have friends. We were fighting at this point in the notebook and it really makes me sad that that was the last note she wrote me. I think ever since then, I talk about my problems not in a whining, teenage way, but a "Hey, this is what's going on in my life. It sucks, but it won't matter in a year" sort of way. Or so I'm told.

193.

American Football : For Sure.

Last night made me realize how much I genuinely miss you and how I will never have you. Regardless, the talk was nice and "old times"are back again.

Summertime calls for listening to American Football.

June seems too late, delayed, maybe for the better. Imagine us together. We're relatively stable and tentatively able to say for certain whether this uncertainty is for sure.

192.

Frightened Rabbit : The Twist.

The more and more I evaluate my current money situation, the more I am realizing that I will probably be stuck in Cincinnati for another year. I really would love to leave here and start my new life fresh, but at the same time I really don't want to be in debt. I found the cutest studio in Ravenswood. Maybe I should be looking in Cincinnati now.

It is extremely refreshing to not have to wake up early and sit in a school I hate for six hours.

It's the night, I can be who you like
And I'll quietly leave before it gets light
So twist and whisper the wrong name
I don't care, nor do my ears
Twist yourself around me
I need company, I need human heat.

191.

Thanks for playing the age card. Now you're with someone younger?

190.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. Today a bunch of seniors were huddled up crying on each other. I will not shed a tear.

I've been having a lot of realizations lately. One of which being there are always going to be people in your life that you have a strong connection with or people you have shared more of yourself with than anyone. But often times than not, they're not meant to be anything more than a memory, no matter how close you were. I guess you will always be a part of my past and never again part of my present or future. I've been reaching out for so long and you'll never see it.

Your demons make you real.

189.

Failure.

My brother came down from Chicago this past weekend. What I thought was going to be a stress free, lovely afternoon with my brother was actually an afternoon of me holding back tears. He threw a bunch of large numbers at me and told me it would be wise to stay in Cincinnati for another year and work before moving to Chicago. Although it probably would be in my best interest, I don't think I can do it. My mom thinks I should go forth with my goals and plans to prove to everyone else that I can do this and be happy at the same time, regardless of all the student loans I will have to pay back at some point in my life.

I have four days left of high school. I thought this summer would be a great one, but considering how the past few days have been going, I have no idea. Hopefully things get better. I have a lot planned for my summer to keep me occupied. Aaron and I (plus whomever else) are going camping the second week of June. Annalise and I are planning on going to Pittsburgh for La Dispute, Who Goes There?, and Native. We have a few other places planned as well. I've decided that I'm not going to Dude Fest this year. I have a portfolio review, placement testing, and orientation the day after Dude Fest and it probably would be wise to be well rested and not look I just got the shit beat out of me. I wanted to go to Lollapalooza but I think that will only be happening if Annalise's cousin can get us reduced tickets. Once these four days are over I'll have a lot more time on my hands to spend with people, especially Becca and Kelsey who I rarely see.

188.

I visited Syd's grave for the first time in four years. I had to go to two cemeteries to find her, but I found her. I wasn't quite as emotional as I thought I would be. Driving there and thinking about seeing it made me cry, but once I was there, I didn't cry at all. It took four years for me to do it, but I did it.

Lately I've been hanging out with new people or people I haven't seen it awhile. Regardless of all the shit Cincinnati talks, it's refreshing to surround myself in new environments and with new people. Talking to Luke a couple weekends ago has really made me feel better, even though we haven't spoken since. I'm hoping to have lunch with him and catch up. I miss my few select friends that I had before. I'm not abandoning anyone. It's healthy to have new things and people come into your life.

I have six days left of school. Next week will be a huge joke but I guess I can't complain. Six more days until I can start my life for myself. I go to Chicago in two weeks to have a financial aid meeting and look at some apartments. Then sometime in July I have a portfolio review and orientation. I'm so excited for this even though I'm extremely stressed out with the whole money factor. I've been trying to gut out my room as much as possible and gather things to sell. I'm hoping to have a yard sale sometime soon.