Saturday, August 30, 2008

015.

There is a never ending cycle of drama, which is everywhere, but the part that gets me is the people fueling the fire. Since when did everyone decide to involve themselves in other people's business? Did occur to them that they are only making matters worse? It might appear to you that you think you're backing a friend up, but in reality, you're slowly ruining people's lives. People make mistakes and its hard for someone to accept/forgive those mistakes if there is someone preventing that from happening. I've made plenty mistakes, probably worth losing friends over and I accept that. It's sad to see friendships thrown away over petty things that won't matter in a couple months. I'm sure it hurts now, I'm sure it'll always reside in the back of your mind. But there is a time to let it to go and the sooner you do that, the sooner the sulking and self pity will end.

Aaron always told me that things will heal with time and I'm actually starting to believe in that statement, although I don't think I believe in it for our friendship in particular. After not speaking to Rodney for almost a year and a half, I now see him at least once a week. Last night he paid for a fancy dinner at the Oceanaire which was lovely to say the least. I enjoy the fact that we can have intelligent conversations like we used to. That was probably one of the things I loved about him the most. I've been letting go of my grudges and trying to resolve matters with a few people, but I know there are a few that I have no control over. I would hope that somewhere in their hearts, they can learn to set aside the past, like I'm trying to do. Rodney and I also talked about this. It's easy to forgive someone for what they've done, its another thing to accept it and move past it. I'm glad that there was such a big gap between the ending of our relationship and renewal of our friendship. It's easier to make our relationship an example in everyday conversation without any awkwardness. Granted he was the first person to really and truly hurt me, I know that I made my mistakes as well. I feel that within the past couple weeks I have really been growing up. I'll only be in Cincinnati till May. I'd like to make the best of it.




Friday, August 29, 2008

014.

It's been really helpful going to the barn almost everyday. I forgot how much my horse got me through. Last night he ran his heart out for me and made me really proud. It's hard to believe that around this time last year I found him laying in his own blood, unable to stand. Kelsey and I have been going up together and it's great that we have another thing to bond over. Kelsey Swain is still taking care of him on Wednesdays which is nice of her. The girls and I are planning a trail ride at Eastfork or Camargo when it gets a little cooler out. Kelsey and I have decided that we're moving our horses to Chicago with us. The more I think about it and the more time I spend with him, the more I realize I can't leave him here.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

013.

I've been spending so much time with my horse lately and it's been great. I feel like I'm getting my life back on track and really working hard to achieve my goals and get where I want to go. I'm loving it.

I took this a couple nights ago. It's Brandi's mewithoutYou tattoo that I used for my text prompt in class.

Brandi by you.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

012.

Elliott Smith: Roman Candle.

Viewing my life from the outside in, one could easily think that I have it made and that I am a spoiled girl who complains too much. But in reality, I want to explode every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I'm trying to balance school, working, and taking care of animal who has gotten me through more hard times than any human being has. I have $250 for Columbia which not even close to making the $36,000 every year for four years. I do not want to rely on scholarships, grants, and loans that will ultimately cause more stress in the end. The store I work at may be closing and I will jobless. It seems that no one is hiring these days with how bad the economy is and it worries me. I refuse to get rid of my horse like he is a used tissue even if he has caused more financial issues than anything else in my life. I am grateful that I have a best friend who is willing to set aside her goals and dreams so that I can accomplish mine. I only wish that I could be grateful for an understanding family. My grandfather who has always been there for me, sent me fifty dollars today. I feel bad that I stopped attending family events solely because he has always been so great to me. When my dad was dying, he promised him that he would take care of me. I feel that I will be the reason for his next heart attack because of how awful I am viewed by everyone, when really I'm just trying to get to where I want to be and am hitting some bumps along the road. I'm at a loss for what to do. My relationship with my mother is a rollercoaster ride that I don't care to add to my large enough plate. I would love to get out of this hell hole that I am supposed to call "home." I don't sleep well anymore and I am constantly having headaches and stomach aches. My mother says its because I don't know how to handle things and suggests me going back to therapy, a place that has also put us into debt for its unhelpful services. I don't need to pay someone to listen to my problems and give no advice on how to handle them. I'm lost right now and I'm willing to admit that.

I hear you cry. Your tears are cheap, wet hot red swollen cheeks. Fall asleep. I want to hurt him. I want to give him pain. I'm a roman candle, my head is full of flames.

I've always loved this picture and somehow I just now realized that the woman has a Banksy tattoo, which I want to by my next tattoo.


011.

It has become clear to me that my family has the same mentality as a gaggle of high school girls. Everyone else's issues are made into their own and feel the need to put forth their two cents. The family seems to think that I am the way I am because my mother didn't raise me the right way. One of the things I appreciate about my mother is that she put my sister and I in public high schools and never once told us that the art world may bring us great disappointment and an empty wallet. My sister realized late in college that dancing professionally may not be the life for her if she wants to have a family, although it was undeniable that her ability to dance would take her places. After graduating with a minor in dance and major in family studies, getting married, and having two golden retrievers, she realized that dance was her passion. She had her first recital in years over the summer and was asked to be a dance teacher which is not far from her original goal of being a dance therapist. Like me, she struggled through high school but for different reasons. Somehow my family felt that they could support her dreams but when an aspiring photographer/fashion designer/stylist comes along, there is no bone in their bodies between them that can support such dream. I talk about when I come to visit Cincinnati on breaks at school and my mother always tells me that I'm not coming back and that I'm going to make a life for myself in Chicago and never want to see anybody in Cincinnati again. This may be true.

Kelsey Kalnow bought a horse yesterday that I will be taking care of while she's gone for a month. So now I will have the responsibility of two horses, one that I'm trying to nurse back to barrel racing, the other trying to keep the arthritis under control. I look forward to it. I have one more think to soak my mind in and not worry about the millions of things that my brain constantly worries about.

I don't know how often I can see you anymore. I want to be there for you as you're having a hard time, but I feel that old thoughts and emotions are rekindling inside of me, which scares the living hell out of me, considering she will always have your heart.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

010.

I told you I'd wait for you to come to your senses. One year and a half later, I'm still here waiting. Wisen up.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

009.

Interpol: NYC.

This pretty much sums up anything I could ever write about the subject:



I've realized that lately all I have been trying to do is teach myself how to not care. How to realize when someone is a waste of my time. Or how to recognize my downfalls. I've been saturating my mind in art projects and trying to put my brain to better use than trying to teach myself how to be happy and how to not let small things get to me. I move to Chicago in May. I've heard that Luke is going and that he isn't going. A part of me hopes that he will so that I know someone is up there with me that knows pretty much everything about me and despite every bone in my body that tells me not to have any contact with him, I can pick up the phone and call him if I feel lost. I know I'll have a few friends up there, but no one who I've shared so much with and no one that really knows me. They're friends that I've shared a few dances with or friends that let me crash on their air mattress or futon when I need to get out of Cincinnati. Part of me is so scared to leave some of my friends here. I'm scared that once I leave, no one here will try to keep contact with me and no one will care that I'm gone. I can't envision anyone coming to visit me. I suppose that just puts me in the position to force myself to be social even though I don't have the one person who always helped me do that. I guess the only thing to do is chalk it up to losses being lessons.

I had seven faces. Thought I knew which one to wear, but I'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

008.

I had a dream last night that Aaron called to see how I was doing and then told me some things that I didn't want to hear. I almost wish it wasn't a dream so that I can tell myself that my emotions and effort weren't completely wasted and that he could finally be truthful with me and not spoon-feed me lies that will make me feel better. Things at home have been getting better, partially because I have given in and stopped fighting for what I want or feel that I need. I spent the night home last night and just watched TV with my mom and her boyfriend. It was nice, I suppose. I figure I'm leaving in a few months and might as well not have a horrible relationship with my family. My brother and sister started to just call to see how I'm doing, rather than lecturing me about how my life plan has no logic or anything of the sort. I'm just going to keep things kosher while I'm still living in Cincinnati- no grudges, no hate, no nothing.



Friday, August 15, 2008

007.

I had a wonderful birthday, the best birthday I've had in a long time. Chris took me to see Tropic Thunder. Then we went to his dad's place so I could meet him and his brothers. His dad showed me pictures from Iraq, mainly dead people with their brains all over the ground. Ended my evening with him by going to Kroger and getting me a red velvet birthday cake. It made me kind of sad that Aaron wouldn't come outside to say happy birthday. But I guess we are at that point now that we don't even care to know how each other are doing. I went to Blue Rock and so many people I love came to see me. Supposedly more of my friends came after I left, which was a bummer, but I'm glad they at least made the effort to come. Two people came that I really did not want there, but what I could I do?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

006.

Recent events have made me want to explain myself and the way that my mind works. I do everything and anything for the people that I love- no questions asked. I will go out of my way to do favors for people. I don't do these things in hopes that I would receive the same treatment or that I expect the same treatment. We've all done horrible things in our lives and I feel that my ability to help others is my way of redeeming myself and in at least through my eyes, when I die, I know that I was the best person I could be. Maybe this leaves my heart and my feelings open to be stomped on and maybe there is a large window of opportunity for people to use me. So be it.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

005.

of Montreal: Requiem for OMM2

I knew it would only be so long before things go wrong. Things at home are awful. I stopped going home and am planning on moving out. Of course my brother and my sister have been involved even though my sister lives 100 miles away and my brother lives 300 miles away. The problems between my mom and I can not be easily fixed, as we have been trying for months to be able to live in harmony under the same roof. I've slept in my own bed about eight times in the past three months. My mom is always with her boyfriend, which I do not blame her for. She has been taking care of other people her entire life and now she needs a break for the sake of her own sanity. At first it really upset me that I didn't really have a mother acting like a mother, I certainly had no father figure because he's been dead for seven years, and that I had to support myself with the exception of a roof over my head and my horse. I never minded the responsibility of having to pay for my own gas, my own phone bill, groceries, and all the little things. I felt that it would make me more prepared for when I'm completely on my own. Now that I want to be completely independent, my mother is having an issue. Even though she hasn't really been around, now there is suddenly a problem with me being completely gone. As of right now, I'm pretty much on my own already.

I really appreciate Kelsey Kalnow and Kelsey Swain helping me find a new place for Dobbin for when I'm in Chicago. I started riding horses when my dad got diagnosed with cancer (nine years old) and received Dobbin as my thirteenth birthday present. Ever since then he has been my best friend. I would come to the barn in tears and he would know that he would have to behave more than usual and then he would wrap his head and neck around me as if they were arms for a hug. This past year with him has been a rollercoaster. Almost a year ago I came to the barn with Dobbin laying in the gravel in his own blood, not being able to stand. I lifted his head up and put it in my lap and stroked his face to calm him down. When I stood up, he put all of his effort into standing up with me. The vet thought that he wasn't going to live and if he did, he would never be able to do anything besides walk. Considering that he is a world champion barrel horse, it would be torture for him to never be able to run again. Nevertheless, my mom and I paid over $2,000 in vet bills to keep him alive and feeling well. After a few months of playing doctor and changing his bandages every day, I decided to put a saddle on him again. I could tell that he was still weak, so we took it easy for awhile. After moving him even further away from me, I saddled him up again and after one kick he started running. Running smoother than ever. So I thought that maybe he could be able to race again, but lately he's been limping again and doesn't have the strength for barrels. He is essentially worth nothing. The thought of selling him crossed my mind but there is no way that any amount of money would convince me to just sell my best friend like he was a piece of furniture. So I really do appreciate everyone who has been helping me with him and find a cheaper place for him to go.

All in all, I really miss you. I thought that if I didn't talk to you anymore and I never tried to see you, things would be easier. But the fact that you haven't tried yourself, is what hurts. You said you missed being my friend and that you really want things to be okay. I tried to make them okay but your nonchalant way of going about renewing a friendship has made me more upset with you than any of the other stunts you have pulled with me. I hope you get everything you want out of life.

When I met you, I was just a kid, hadn't built up my defenses. So I gave my heart completely, vaseline over the lenses. Memories don't go away, I remember every day. I never, ever stop wondering, wondering if you still think of us. I don't need a photograph because you've never left my mind. No, you've never left my mind. I remember feeling like a ship whose captain was too drunk to steer and you watched as I was sinking, waving sadly from the pier. Memories don't go away, I remember every day. I never, ever stop wondering, wondering if you still think of us. I don't need a photograph because you've never left my mind. No, you've never left my mind. It's such a burden to carry around the vestiges of dead dreams and I don't want to make a wake out of my life. I just have to let you go.


Friday, August 8, 2008

004.

Good times are rolling in again and it's great. Allyson's birthday last night was so much fun. A lot of laughter, a lot of drunken people falling over, and a lot of love. Everyone I love was there and it was great to have them all in one place. I saw some people I hadn't seen in a while, like Burg, and it was nice seeing them and having meaningful conversations with them. A lot of these conversations assured me of some things and makes me feel so relieved, even if some of it was upsetting to me. I met Kayla's boyfriend last night and he seems like a good guy so I'm glad she's at least moving far away from me with a good person. I guess that just means that I'll have to go to Brooklyn a lot. Fine with me. I was talking to someone about how excited I am to move to Chicago only to hear that Chicago will suck me in and turn me into a pretentious art student. I don't think that is true at all. Moving away is exciting to me. I love some people here, but there are many that I could do without. I think moving away will be beneficial for awhile. On another good note, I'm so excited for me, Mitch, and David's birthday extravaganza. August 29th will be a party at Bikehaus. August 30th is the Coliseum and Young Widows show at Murmur. I love that Burg has set this all up. It's amazing to me that Coliseum is on a European tour making thousands a night yet they're coming to play our birthday show. In order to finish the bike race on the 30th, you have to get a birthday card for Mitch, David, and I. Great idea from David. I'm so excited and nothing can ruin it.


Thursday, August 7, 2008

003.

Yesterday was great. I went to work, which was as boring as usual. The man who lives upstairs hasn't come to talk to me in awhile but he came in yesterday. For once we didn't have an hour long conversation about his knowledge of antique pottery or about his views of the government and minorities. Some how he couldn't tell that I am an minority, but I don't plan on saying anything anytime soon, unless he completely offends me. The last time we spoke, he told me about how happy he is that he has someone to talk to because he's a 40 year old single man with a slow love life. After that I felt a little uncomfortable. That same night I walked into Blue Rock and saw him sitting at the bar. I tried to sneak past him but he saw me and asked if he could buy me a drink but I politely declined. Originally I didn't mind that he came in and talked with me when we weren't busy, especially since we know nothing about each other, not even names, but now I'm a tad bit creeped out. Anyway, after work, Kelsey and I had dinner at Melt and then went to Blockbuster to buy movies. We watched Saw IV in my basement and it was great yelling at the movie and hiding our eyes. I've missed hanging out with Kelsey on a regular basis. I just sort of backed away from most of the people I was hanging out with, partially to get away from drama and partially to see which friends would put forth the effort to see me again. It's become obvious to me that I give way too many chances and put forth more effort in relationships and friendships that they become extremely hard to actually enjoy. That's another change I'm going to make. I think slowly but surely I'm making the right decisions for myself. Okay side track number two. Anyway, then we went to Allyson's to celebrate night one of her birthday week. I eventually walked home because I was extremely tired, but at least I had an awesome day.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

002.

Allyson and I went to Spring Grove Cemetery yesterday. We were driving around looking at all the old graves and we went to Art's and my dad's grave. When we were driving to my dad's grave, we saw a woman on her knees and her face in her hands crying. It was quite possibly the most depressing thing I have ever seen. Both of us just wanted to cry, or just give her a hug. I still haven't been to Syd's grave and she's been gone for three years. I feel like a bad friend for not going there. I haven't called her mom in awhile either which has made me feel horrible. But I think we served as a crutch for each other when Syd passed away and now that we have slightly moved on, I don't think we really need each other as much as we once did. Nevertheless, I still miss and love her.

Lately it has really gotten to me that people think that maturity has only to do with age and not life experiences. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm very young, but I have been through my fair share of set backs and disappointments. I lost my father at ten years old and then my best friend at thirteen. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I lost someone else in January, that has made me more afraid of trust and has made me question people's loyalty more. I've lost my share of friends for various reasons. I don't regret anything I do. I make mistakes because I am only human and hope to learn from them. Maturity is something that comes with experience. In no way I have been through every horrible thing in the world there is to go through, but I certainly know that I would not wish it upon anyone to go through what I have. A few people should get off of their high horses and realize that they make mistakes themselves and probably have made some of the same mistakes that I have. We're not as different as you think we are.

Also, I find it very disturbing that lately everyone's topic of conversation is someone else, even if they know nothing about each other. I suppose it's easy to hate someone you don't know but it's not something I would ever do. I'm trying to make changes, but a certain situation is holding me back and making me very irate. There is a very big difference between lies and misunderstandings. I'm not sure which one is going on right now.

I talked to Aaron briefly today. I'll probably see him tomorrow when I go to pick up Chris. I'm not sure if we will ever be friends like we used to be. I would really like for us to be though. But as he said, time heals everything. I've been thinking about Luke a lot lately. I really wish it was possible for us to be friends. Maybe once we're both in Chicago, things will change. Rodney and I have become closer again and it's great. His apartment is sort of my getaway- just to watch movies and hang out drama free and worry free. Although, I'm scared that feelings may rekindle the more we hang out.



Tuesday, August 5, 2008

001.

I am starting a new life for myself. I am making changes to myself and the world around me. I'm worn out by people who are overdramatic and feel that other people's lives are any of their business. I've decided that I'm not going to date anyone for awhile. It has become tiresome giving my all to someone who I think cares about me, but in reality doesn't. Someone used to tell me that if I'm upset over something that won't matter in two years, it doesn't matter now. That's the way I'm going to start living my life. I wish I would have taken that advice long ago, but I've realized that I am stubborn and often don't listen to advice that I really should take into consideration. Here's to a new life. Here's to accomplishing my dreams without being pulled down by anyone or anything.