002.

Allyson and I went to Spring Grove Cemetery yesterday. We were driving around looking at all the old graves and we went to Art's and my dad's grave. When we were driving to my dad's grave, we saw a woman on her knees and her face in her hands crying. It was quite possibly the most depressing thing I have ever seen. Both of us just wanted to cry, or just give her a hug. I still haven't been to Syd's grave and she's been gone for three years. I feel like a bad friend for not going there. I haven't called her mom in awhile either which has made me feel horrible. But I think we served as a crutch for each other when Syd passed away and now that we have slightly moved on, I don't think we really need each other as much as we once did. Nevertheless, I still miss and love her.

Lately it has really gotten to me that people think that maturity has only to do with age and not life experiences. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm very young, but I have been through my fair share of set backs and disappointments. I lost my father at ten years old and then my best friend at thirteen. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I lost someone else in January, that has made me more afraid of trust and has made me question people's loyalty more. I've lost my share of friends for various reasons. I don't regret anything I do. I make mistakes because I am only human and hope to learn from them. Maturity is something that comes with experience. In no way I have been through every horrible thing in the world there is to go through, but I certainly know that I would not wish it upon anyone to go through what I have. A few people should get off of their high horses and realize that they make mistakes themselves and probably have made some of the same mistakes that I have. We're not as different as you think we are.

Also, I find it very disturbing that lately everyone's topic of conversation is someone else, even if they know nothing about each other. I suppose it's easy to hate someone you don't know but it's not something I would ever do. I'm trying to make changes, but a certain situation is holding me back and making me very irate. There is a very big difference between lies and misunderstandings. I'm not sure which one is going on right now.

I talked to Aaron briefly today. I'll probably see him tomorrow when I go to pick up Chris. I'm not sure if we will ever be friends like we used to be. I would really like for us to be though. But as he said, time heals everything. I've been thinking about Luke a lot lately. I really wish it was possible for us to be friends. Maybe once we're both in Chicago, things will change. Rodney and I have become closer again and it's great. His apartment is sort of my getaway- just to watch movies and hang out drama free and worry free. Although, I'm scared that feelings may rekindle the more we hang out.