Tuesday, December 30, 2008

095.

New Year's Eve is tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to the holiday, as I have no one to ring it in with. I do look forward to have an evening with friends.

Kelsey Swain has been staying with me the past couple days. It's nice having someone to share my bed with. Well, the futon in the basement. My room isn't very clean and my real bed is covered with clothes and papers. Hopefully I will be able to sleep in it soon.

I wish you knew how at home I feel when I'm with you. No expectations, no impressions.

Friday, December 26, 2008

094.

Lullaby for the Working Class: The Wounded Spider

There's no bruises on you to prove the abuse. You claim it's all an attempt to resurface pain I caused you. That's why you're such a mess. I feel all right. Feel somewhat guilty, feeling strong. Will the guilt ever cease? You can complain no one ever saw you more than the girlfriend because you never tried to be more to them. But I can't complain so neither can you. I'm sorry that I stand up straight. And sorry that you can not say what you mean. Take back all that we said. Lift up our shirts and compared our wounds. I feel good, so much better than before. There's no bruises on you to prove the abuse. You claim it's all an attempt to resurface pain I caused you. I'm sorry I met you. And I'm sorry that I stand up straight. Sorry that you can not say what you mean. Take back all that you said. Lift up your shirt and compare your wounds with mine.



Photograph by Wolfgang Tillmans

093.

Frightened Rabbit: Keep Yourself Warm

Chuck and I just had a moment of silence and listened to Frightened Rabbit, smiling and almost crying to our favorite lines. I love having this kind of friendship with a man who is over fifty years old. We tell each other about our love lives and give advice. We share music and admire the lyricism. He's a hopeless romantic that gives me hope for my future love life. I wish there were more men in the world like him.

It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

092.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutal addiction."
- Chuck Palahniuk

I feel sick and disgusting for wanting the same.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

091.

As I am gutting out my house, I found duets that my mother and I used to play on the piano. My dad loved sitting down in his big chair and listening to us. I haven't played since he died but today I mustered up enough strength to play. I've lost a lot of my knowledge of the piano and music reading but the longer I played, the more that came back to me. I'm going to start playing again even though it makes me really emotional. Who knows, maybe this will help me get through this year's round of seasonal depression. It is painfully ironic that the acronym for it is SAD.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

080.

This Christmas was pretty small but that's okay with me. My mom got me an x-acto knife kit, a flash, some Sweedish Fish, and leg warmers. My grandparents got me a portfolio and a scarf and gloves set. One of my presents for my uncle was a framed print of the first photograph of mine ever in a show. It's of his daughter who has "fallen off the wagon" as some family members have said. It made him cry which wasn't my intention but everyone said it's good that it made him cry because that means it means something. I think I'm spending tomorrow with Rodney. Maybe we'll be typical and go see a movie.

088.

Today has slowly ruined my family's last Christmas in this house. My mom even bought a real tree for this year. The last time we got a real tree was the year my dad was sick (2001) but we couldn't get it inside so we planted it. So we bought green cardstock and made a paper tree with paper ornaments on it. My mom and I were supposed to pick my sister up half way in Columbus but the roads were too bad and my sister didn't want to risk it. My brother was stuck in Indianapolis for a couple hours because they closed off the highways and there isn't any other way from Chicago. So tomorrow morning we won't have the usual brunch, cemetery visit, and present opening. Everything is delayed to an hour before the big family Christmas. I wish it wouldn't be so rushed.

Chuck had me listen to the band Frightened Rabbit. Everything about them makes me quiver, in the best way possible of course. I can't get over how perfect their lyrics are. A lot of which apply to what I'm feeling right now.

Good Arms Vs. Bad Arms:
Good arms, versus bad arms, will win hands down. They are built to hold and fit. Look how far they go around. You don't need these now that you've found another pair and the difference astounding, I should expect except leave the rest at arm's length. Keep your naked flesh under your favorite dress and leave the rest at arm's length. When they reach out, don't touch them, don't touch them. I decided this decision some six months ago so I'll stick to my guns, but from now on it's war. I am armed with the past, and the will, and a brick. I might not want you back, but I want to kill him and leave the rest at arm's length. Keep your naked flesh under your favorite dress and leave the rest at arm's length. When they reach out, don't touch them, don't touch them and leave the rest at arm's length. Don't brush with him, he might have diseases and leave the rest at arm's length. Steer clear of the grasp, girl- run, run, away and leave thes rest at arm's length. Just roll over boy and don't make me do this and leave the rest at arm's length. I am armed to the teeth and I'm heavy set and leave the rest at arm's length. I'm not ready to see you this happy and leave the rest at arm's length. I'm still in love with you, can't admit it yet.

Poke:
Poke at my iris, why can't I cry about this? Maybe there is something that you know that I don't? We adopt a brand new language, communicate through pursed lips, you try not to put on any sexy clothes or graces. I might never catch a mouse and present it in my mouth and make you feel you're with someone who deserves to be with you. But there's one thing we've got going and it's the only thing worth knowing. It's got lots to do with magnets and the pull of the moon. Why won't our love keel over as it chokes on a bone? We can mourn its passing and then bury it in snow. Or should we kick its cunt in and watch as it dies from bleeding. If you don't want to be with me just say and I will go. Well we can change our partners this is a progressive dance, but remember it was me who dragged you up to the sweaty floor. Well this has been a reel. I've got shin-splints and a stitch. But like a drunken night it's the best bits that are coloured in. Should look through some old photos I adored you in every one of those. If someone took a picture of us now they'd need to be told that we had ever clung on tight and maybe not with arms at night. I'd say she was his sister but she doesn't have his nose. And now we're unrelated and rid of all the shit we hated, but I hate when I feel like this and I never hated you.

Monday, December 22, 2008

087.

Frightened Rabbit: My Backwards Walk

I can't even listen to music without missing someone. Goddamnit.

I'm working on my backwards walk, walking with no shoes or socks. And the time rewinds to the end of May. I wish we'd never met then met today. I'm working on my faults and cracks, filling in the blanks and gaps and when I write them out they don't make sense. I need you to pencil in the rest. I'm working on drawing a straight line and I'll draw until I get one right. It's bold and dark girl, can't you see? I done drawn a line between you and me. I'm working on erasing you, just don't have the proper tools. I get hammered, forget that you exist. There's no way I'm forgetting this. I'm working hard on walking out shoes keep sticking to the ground. My clothes won't let me close the door. These trousers seem to love your floor. I been working on my backwards walk. There's nowhere else for me to go except back to you just one last time. Say yes before I change my mind. Say yes before I... You're the shit and I'm knee-deep in it.

086.

I can finally start working at the zoo. The only bad part about it is that I can only work the next two weeks. They close down until March but I was told that I will be first call when they reopen for Spring. So from January to March I'll need to find some kind of job. I'm thinking about posting an ad on Craig's List for being a barn hand.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

085.

Chris Garneau: Saturday

I was reading an article in Vice today about these two sixteen year old photographers. They found each other on Flickr and decided to collaborate on photos. So they became pen pals and send each other film and double expose the film to make prints of the collaboration. I really want a pen pal, photos or not. I want to have a connection with someone I've never met and know nothing about. It's so hard meeting new people in Cincinnati that you don't know anything about. Everyone knows everyone somehow, whether they've fucked somebody's girlfriend or dated so and so. I can't wait to meet new people. Until then, I really want a pen pal.

Tonight, especially, my seasonal depression is setting in. It's eight degrees outside and I'm sharing my bed with tons of pillows. I was reading about seasonal depression and one of the treatments is to sit in a room full of bright lights. I wonder who really pays to do that.

All the time in the world is lying right beside me. But time does stop sometimes and back home its no use to suprise me. It's up two years ahead of me now, well thats a lot of drinking. You say I won't be missing you, but I do it's a lot of never thinking. If I dont black-out, I'll keep you inside me. I can't promise you anything. How long can a Saturday keep me name all the same things? I love all things I said I love but I forget why I'm still standing. All the time in the world is lying right beside me. But time does stop sometimes so let's try let's spend it sleeping. If I dont black-out I'll keep you inside me. I can't promise you anything. I know yeah I'm slow. I sleep the best in cold. Dreams are the place to be.

084.

First good night's sleep in months.

I'm glad that Aaron and I are friends again and able to hang out. Lately I've been working really hard to fix my broken friendships. There are a few that I don't care to fix, simply because I don't think they're worth my time.

Friday, December 19, 2008

083.

I saw two movies today, both of which made me really sad. I saw Milk with Kalnow and it was really good but had a really depressing ending. I don't usually cry over movies, with the exception of Pay it Forward, but this one made me cry. I saw Twilight with KSwain, Jenn, and Amanda. I told myself I wasn't going to like it and just enjoy time with friends. I'm somewhat mad at myself for liking it. But the awkward sexual tension between the main characters made it hard to not enjoy, even though it made me lonely. Fuck winter.

I listened to the mix I made you last Christmas. For the past nine months I've found myself hating you and disgusted in who you've become. Now, for some reason, I find myself missing you and I hate myself for it. I shouldn't miss you or anything about you.

Hopefully over break I'll get to spend some time with Aaron. It sucked having to tell him I couldn't hang out last night because I really wanted to. I miss our friendship. Summer memories with him and Chris were the best, regardless of whatever everyone has to say about them.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

082.

Everything has come down to this week:

I have four exams, one I took today. I think it went well, but my English teacher hates me for some odd reason so I'm sure she'll give me the lowest "fair" grade possible. I think I'm going to switch to another English class considering that I've never had below a B in an English class. My mom used to be an English professor at UC and Xavier, so I'm pretty sure I know how to read and write.

All of my art work is due by Thursday (24 photographs). I guess when considering the work load that I'll have in Chicago, I should be really thankful for only needing to take 24 digital shots and editing them. I need more models for next semester. I'm tired of using the same ones, even though they're all beautiful. I want to take more photographs of Aaron and naturally beautiful people. I want to walk parts of Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky that I've never seen in all the years I've lived here. I want to meet strange and interesting people to photograph. I wish I wasn't in a digital class so I could have the time to experiement with different cameras more often.

I start my job at the zoo tomorrow, well I guess now today. I'm nervous but really excited. The job itself isn't too exciting but the fact that I'll be meeting new people, doing something different, and making more money is very exciting to me. I haven't decided if I want to quit my current job. I'm only working two days a week there, still supervised. Technically she doesn't need me and one less person on her pay roll will probably help her finances. I think it's time for change and I cut my losses. After two years of devotion, I think it is acceptable to move on to a more professional, better paying job.

All my Christmas shopping for my family members is done. I'm giving some framed prints to a few people. I don't have any presents for friends yet. I probably won't have the money to buy them presents until after I receive my first paycheck from the zoo which will probably be after Christmas. I think I'm only buying for Kelsey Swain, Kelsey Kalnow, Becca, and possibly Ben. Ben claims that he's buying me something. As awful as it sounds, I'm not buying him a gift unless he buys me one. I figure I've spent so much money on him without the holiday occasion that not buying him a gift shouldn't be too big of a friendship crime. Especially since forgiveness and love are the greatest gifts he could ask for from me, considering the hell he's put me through. I wish I had the money to buy all of my friends something nice. Maybe next year. Maybe if I find a cool Jesus statue or picture for cheap, I'll give it to Rodney. Hopefully he's not tired of them.

This post was more than likely a complete waste of time. I'm hoping that unloading my mind will help me get a good night's sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a big day.

Monday, December 15, 2008

081.

Today I met a seriously real, down to earth person. This well dressed, or metrosexual if you will, black man came into my store today. He approached me asking me about the art and music scene in Cincinnati because he wants to move here. He's moving here from Brooklyn because the woman he loves is here and he "can't imagine living his life without her." We then started discussing the art world, the "American Dream", and love. He is only twenty-two yet so insightful and hopeful. I think I really needed to meet someone like him. He called me "sista" and had so much hope and faith in the world and is moving from a place he loves for someone he's in love with.

Nostalgia has been slapping me in the face for the past week or so. This time last year I was dating Luke and Dobbin was injured and Luke would help me with him. Dobbin has reinjured himself and I saw Luke Friday night under extremely uncomfortable circumstances. I'll admit that I miss him, but I won't give in. I'm not letting people treat me like shit anymore and forgiving them so easily. Last winter we went on a double date to the festival of lights. Wednesday I will offically be an employee of the zoo and will be working the festival of lights. At least I'll be making good money.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

080.

I'm tired of doing nice things for people and taking care of everyone. I want someone to do the same for me for once.

Friday, December 12, 2008

079.

Even though my mom and her boyfriend have been dating for six years now, I am fearful for the day they break up. I guess I just don't have faith in love anymore or faith in relationships. I wish I didn't have doubts in everything. Being hurt so many times makes you weary of new faces and situations. Yet somehow I still have hope and forgiveness for the old faces and situations.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

078.

Happy birthday, Aaron Casey.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

077.

Bright Eyes : Racing Towards the New

I know what I want. Now I'm on mission. And if it fails, I can finally say "it wasn't meant to be" and hang up the thought forever.

Just forget what you cannot replace. This sweet day is almost weightless and new. So I talk but no one can relate to the fear I had when I was younger. 'Cause somehow I knew I'd end up empty and alone. We all accept in the same tired way the gentle shift of continuous change. And we confuse all the things that we say to ourselves with the things we say to each other, it's always a lie. But at least we find some comfort for awhile. So we'll start where the others left off, get in our cars and embrace something new. Once you escape you will always get caught in the fear that what you had before was better. And you will become sick with the dream of going back to the old.

076.

Most days I wish you'd do something awful- worse than what you already have done- so that I can hate you. So that I stop smiling everytime I see you and stop crying everytime you let me down. I want to erase you from my life so badly, but I love you. I hope that one day you will realize that it won't work. If it hasn't in the past however many years, it won't now. People never change.

Monday, December 8, 2008

074.

Aaron and I had a very successful shoot. Unfortunately he's allergic to maple syrup and we happened to have covered him in it. Oops. I'm so glad he's back in my life again, hopefully this time with no complications or interruptions. I wish I could have seen his dad. Coolest dad ever, by far.





Friday, December 5, 2008

073.

Yesterday was rough. I was working on only a couple hours of sleep due to being extremely pissed off and nightmares. This time of year, I have the worst dreams. I had a dream that my dad was alive again and said "I miss you" but then I had to relive him dying in my dream. School didn't take my mind off of anything and I silently cried during most of my classes. I helped Ben move while distracted me for a couple hours. It was comforting to be with someone who knows exactly how it feels and doesn't just feel sorry for me.

I don't want to settle for less. I find myself if search for someone but I keep comparing them to previous boyfriends or love interests. I feel like I deserve someone who will take care of me. I'm always taking care of someone else and right now, I'd like someone to take care of me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

072.

Today seven years ago was the day my family knew my dad wouldn't last much longer. So we gathered all of the presents under the tree and gave them to my dad and the rest of us got one each. My dad hadn't spoken in weeks, nor was he able to move on his own, but after all the presents were opened, he said "nice gifts" and kissed us. My mom came to the conclusion that people have a checklist before they give up the fight. My soccer team had recently won state championships, which he viewed from the sidelines in a wheelchair and he had his last "Christmas" with his family. The following night we were all up until 3am wiping his mouth and cleaning up the sputum coming out of his lungs. Every year I relive these three days. It doesn't get any easier as the years go by. Sure the constant pain in your heart slowly goes away, but once this time of year comes, it blows another hole. I don't want to fall apart like I usually do. This year I want to celebrate his life, rather than mourn his death.