232.

Tomorrow I present my self introspection piece. Usually I can talk about myself and my experiences without any sort of mental breakdown. Then again I'm used to telling my story to people I know or at least have been around enough to be comfortable with. I'm presenting my life to a crowd of people who I know nothing about.

231.

Paul Baribeau : I Thought I Could Find You

Often times, I wish I never dreamed. Waking up each morning to disappointment is making waking up even more difficult. There are still so many things I'd like to say that I won't ever have the chance to say.

I thought I could find you if I walked through a snow storm, as if you were hiding, under a white isle of snow. And I thought I could find you if I sat through a rainstorm, as if you were made of the same stuff as lightning. And I thought I could find you if I held on to an ice cube, as if you would be there when my hand opened. And I thought I could find you if I never closed my eyes, as if you might flash, like a camera. 'Cause you are made of the softest parts of snow, and the quite sound of rain, and the warm stuff that melts the ice cube, and the force that moves the waves. And i thought I could find you

Aaron Casey ; Latonia, KY.

230.

mewithoutYou : Nice and Blue

I hope that you would be proud of me if you were here. I kept my promise to you, regardless of how hard the past couple years have been. You are one of my only motivations to keep going, some days. I miss you more than anything. I wish I would call home and you and Mom would both be on the phone with me, congratulating me or telling me everything will be okay. I want so badly for you to tell me that I'm on the right path, that you're proud of me. When I think about the horrible things I've done and said, it makes me feel sick to my stomach because I know that's not what you raised me to do. I have never regretted anything I've done in the past, but I would if I knew they disappointed you. I want so badly to believe that there is a heaven, so that I know you're somewhere safe and happy, not just six feet under the ground. But I know better than that.

Some days I don't mind only having one friend here. We've built our friendship and made it even stronger than it already was. I don't miss listening to the incessant shit talking back home or worrying about who I'm going to piss off. It's almost carefree here. Although, I won't say that starting over is easy. I'm so socially awkward that meeting people is so difficult, especially when I'm so picky and heartbroken. Luke used to tell me that apathy was worse than hate. Because when you hate someone, you still care about them enough to hate them. It's weird to think that when I met him, we both had the same goal of going to Columbia and getting out of Cincinnati. Now I'm here, and he's still there. Maybe one day. "I just wanted to let you know you're missed here. Every weekend I try to call you because I haven't seen you in so long and then I realize it's because you don't live here. Come back soon." This made me realize that I'll never be able to sever my ties to Cincinnati.

You were a song I couldn't sing. You were a story I couldn't tell. I've only ever loved myself, but I've loved myself so well. And how defeated I return! You're nice and blue, yeah you're nice and blue. I missed what I was supposed to learn 'cause all I learned about was missing you.

229.

The Good Life: Some Tragedy

Everytime I analyze a situation, especially having to do with someone I care about, I tend to be too forgiving. I see others faults as my own. I seem to not be able to let go of people, even when I really need to. I guess all I really want is to be able to talk to you.

I must’ve seemed to you a shipwreck. I looked at you, I saw an island. So I was swept ashore, to lie forevermore or at least for the evening. So we went to your apartment. We shared a drink out in the garden. You thought I must’ve pulled this kind of shit with any willing fool. I shrugged and asked if that’s a problem. So we loved if for an instant and for an instant I forgot who I was. So for the night, I was all yours. So I’m sure it was fleeting, and I’m sure I’ve been misleaded. We were just two people in need, it doesn’t have to be some fucked up tragedy. I hope I didn’t seem too vulgar when I asked to come over. It’s just these last few weeks, well, they’ve been hard on me. I got burned and I can’t seem to recover. And so we loved or so it seemed. And as I slept, I dreamt of Romeo and Juliet but Romeo was just playing dead. I’m sure it was just a dream and I’m sure it holds no meaning. But on this sober, hungover morning, why does it always got to be such a fucked up tragedy? I tried to tell you but I couldn’t. I wanted to warn you but I need you so bad. I mean right now, you're all I have.

Self Portrait ; Chicago, IL.

228.

I miss you being my best friend. I miss your family. I even miss the bad parts. It seems to be normal for us to part our separate ways and then come back together and have a friendship again that I value so much. I hope that the next time we come back together, we build something that can't be ruined by pettiness and people.

227.

Good Luck : How To Live Here

Being alone was starting to not feel so lonely. But then you had your way of working yourself back in. Is this going to be an ongoing cycle of you leaving and then coming back? I've been trying to be more talkative and not close myself off to other people. Not for romantic company, but just to make another friend. I've been thinking too much about the future and if I'm going to come back to Cincinnati. I need to live in the present day. I used to think I had to have it all figured out. Now that I've gotten to the place I've wanted to be for the past four years, I don't want to do anymore planning.

We all want to feel content, but we need more than a place to shit and to lay a bed. If sometimes living doesn't terrify you, if love doesn't pulverize you, then where are you at? Where's the power in that? Though it's been nothing but complicated since the first time that two people dated, and your heart makes you deathly afraid, it's all you've got. Is it impossible, friend? Is it only a dream to find truth in the visions you see? Or to believe the love that I'm waiting for is somewhere waiting for me? Well maybe the way to get what you want is to stop waiting for it to show up. Have faith in the wind and the rain it will come but only if you let it come. Yeah, everyone feels alone. Maybe more, maybe less, maybe this year or next or when they grow old. But what a bogus affliction! It's the human condition. We all want affection and the sound of another heartbeat. Maybe when this ends and the stars all call down for me it'll finally make sense, or just as likely still be mystery. I don't know where you are my friend, I don't know if I'll ever know. But maybe you'll be there when it's time to go.

226.

Lemuria: Dog

I have finally started school. It feels good to be productive again. I wish that I didn't have to "re-learn" darkroom procedures and I could just get right down to it.

Even though I am more than disgusted with you, I still have this urge to call you. Part of me wishes that we were never romantically involved so that I could call you and tell you about my day and ask you about yours. I wish that things happened differently. I still feel like you haven't really told me the extent of your thoughts and feelings and that the most important parts have been left out. I need to start meeting people here, so that I can leave you there and the forgetting process can begin.

I feel like you've died and I want you back. But I know that I will never see you again. Walking around trying to keep my mouth shut while the pity piles up. Like a goddamn dog with it's tail between it's legs, ashamed of trying to butter up your obituary. At least I can say I tried with you

225.

Lemuria: Hey I'm Over Here

School starts in five days. I really need to be involved with something and spend all my time, energy, and mind on it. I need to be productive. I keep having nightmares about you and waking up from cold sweats. My bed has never seemed so big and empty. I wish you'd just let me in and tell me what's going through your head. If this was anyone else, I'd leave. For some reason. I'm sticking around.

I get nervous with you. My hands forget how to tie shoes. You're just pretending to think our emotions are ambiguous. So could you admit you missed me? I won't leave until you kiss me. You're my true north. So incandescent my eyes are reluctant to stretch a glance into a stare. I open up my eyes and see that no ones there. So before you trail off give me attention. Please don't leave until you kiss me.

224.

My cousin had the opportunity to travel with Ryan McGinley this summer and model for him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely jealous. I can't even explain how amazing this summer's photographs are. I wish I had the money to just say "Fuck school" and travel the country with my friends, photographing everything along the way. Hopefully during my breaks from school I will have the funds to travel somewhere interesting, even if it isn't across the country.