Wednesday, March 31, 2010

272.

Making the same "mistake" twice seems to be my profession. I get myself involved again in situations that once felt so right, but now are so wrong. The fact that I don't acknowledge the fact that it's wrong or feel like it's wrong is terrifying. I replay these moments over and over in my head and they give me satisfaction rather than realization.

For the past year or so, every time I slept next to you in your bed, I dreamed of you even though you were right next to me. You weren't next to me how I wanted you to, so my mind fabricated these dreams of what I wished and hoped for. Last week, I didn't dream of you. Feeling your arm around my waist and your chest compressing against my back is what I've been waiting for. Almost two years ago, I felt that a few times and maybe I didn't appreciate it enough then. Your forehead kisses reminded me of a time where things weren't so complicated. I don't have any false hope from this past week or think anything more of it than two people who care for each other sharing a few moments. Maybe that's really all I've been waiting for- not a relationship with you, just a recognition. I know it's selfish of me to not want you to move away considering I have, but I just always want you close to me.

As for you- I don't even know what to say anymore. This summer will be interesting.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

271.

For some reason, I read old journals and look at old photos. They never help- probably because I focus on how well things were going and then they just went downhill. Instead today I read up to things getting better. Things do get better. I've been thinking a lot about what has happened the past two years- mainly my mistakes. I keep trying to blame them on a certain break up but I can't lean on that anymore. I made a conscious decision to do the things I did. I also noticed that I see those mistakes coming through now except with different people and different situations. I'm making an effort to prevent these things from happening again. I'm working on being as strong as I used to be.

I'm working on drawing a straight line and I'll draw until I get one right.
It's bold and dark, girl, can't you see?
I done draw a line between you and me.
I'm working on erasing you, I just don't have the proper tools
I'll get hammered and forget that you exist.
There's no way I'm forgetting this.
I'm working hard on walking out.
My shoes keep sticking to the ground.
My clothes won't let me close the door.
These trousers seem to love your floor.