248.

Paul Baribeau : Things I Don't Do

The mixed emotions that I've been feeling are putting me in weird places. I feel like I'm in the right place and I love school, but at the same time I feel extremely alone and like I'm missing something at home.

Two falls ago, I was completely involved with someone, loving every new feeling and experience. It makes me think I'm never going to find anything as perfect.

I don't think about you as much anymore and I'm sure you don't think about me at all anymore. People grow apart, I know. I just wasn't expecting this so soon. I miss you setting an alarm after a long night so that you would make it to work on time. In actuality, the alarm woke me up and I had to wake you up. I didn't mind it all and I think I'm actually starting to miss only getting two hours of sleep because of you.

Don't expect you'll still be my best friend. I don't expect we'll talk much after this. Don't get the feeling this is not the end. Doesn't mean I can't dream, dream, dream about you with your blue winter coat on. Dream. About you with snowflakes in your hair. Dream. About you kissing me, Christmas cookie kisses. Don't expect to get over you easy. Don't expect the world to come to an end. Don't believe you can't go on without me. It doesn't mean I can't dream, dream, dream. About coming home to you late at night. Dream. About you asleep with the TV on. Dream. About you kissing me, warm sleepy kisses. Don't expect it could have gone any better. Don't believe it could have got any worse. I don't believe we're gonna get back together. Doesn't mean I can't dream, dream, dream. About you putting your shoes on by the front door. Dream. About you grabbing your keys off the table. Dream. About you kissing me, goodbye. Bye, bye bye bye goodbye.

247.

I miss last summer too much.

246.

Touche Amore : Always Running, Never Looking Back

Productivity is the only thing that will get me through this winter.

Touche Amore and La Dispute are playing here next month before I come back to Cincinnati. I need to start going out more and experiencing different groups of people. I have a portraiture project due soon. I wish I was home so I would have more subjects.

My eyes are weak so I can never focus on decisions that have left me hopeless. I've chiseled my initials in the shovel that I’ve been using to dig my own hole. I’m driving faster in the wrong direction thinking this was expected. I've lost my mirrors in the crashes, so looking back just can’t happen. Living up to how we feel about ourselves, one foot in the grave one foot in our mouth.

245.

244.

When I think about my dad and the time we spent together, I remember all the stories he would tell me about his childhood and then my mom telling me they weren't true. He'd say his parents would move all the time without telling him and he'd come home to an empty house. Really he was just saying that his family moved around Cincinnati a lot. He would also say how his family was so poor that they worked for the black people. Really he was just saying that is family was no where close to wealthy. I remember believing every word he said because he was my dad. When I think about it all now, I really don't know much about him. He was born in 1934 and died in 2001. There are so many true stories of those years that I would love to know but I know I won't have the chance to know. My mom doesn't really talk about him anymore, probably because she doesn't want to upset her boyfriend or make him feel any less important. I wish someone would tell my about his life, but everyone on my dad's side of the family is deceased. It's strange how you can love someone so much and know so little about them. I feel like this happens more times than not with me. I love so many people that I really don't know that well, but the people who open up to me, I love even more.

243.

242.

Kevin Devine : Not Over You Yet.

I'm not over you yet, but I'm trying. I'm creating a new mindset for myself and my situations. You have made a fool out of me. I'm never letting that happen again, but I do still think about you. Just walking on the beach today and the phone calls I've received have made me realize that there are parts of this world too beautiful to sulk in my apartment when things are rough.

And I'm still obsessed with cowboys and Indians and you biting your lip when you lose your breath. I'm not over you yet. I know I will not call, it's this decision I've made. So I'm up all night chanting, "Vow I can't break!" I might bite my nails so I can't scratch my face, but I'd still cut my hair if you asked the right way. I'd at least comb it anyway. You're still on my towels, in my eyerolls and scowls.

341.

I always said I would get a tattoo for you.

240.

I never imagined that I would make it this far without my dad. My mom and I were not very close before my dad passed away and now she is the one pushing me to do my best. I think after how terrible this week has been, I really needed her coming up here. It was a reassurance that I have people in my life that do love me and will not constantly upset me. I think that after my dad died, I hold onto people harder and longer than I should. It took this long for me to even try to let you go. Now I think it's really done and over with. This week has created all sorts of emotions- jealousy being the worst. Jealousy is not usually something I feel and when I do feel it, I'm disgusted in myself. It makes me hate any situation I'm in.

A nice boy from my writing class approached me and complimented me. We have been talking and planning to hang out. Everytime I feel lonely and feel like I need someone, someone eventually shows up and I usually end up declining. I'm trying to open up my mind to new people, but I guess it's just not easy for me when my mind is always on someone else.

Larry Hoffman ; Seattle, WA.

239.

I want to start reading more about dream interpretations and astrology.

Rising Sign is in 22 Degrees Libra
Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you. "Peace and harmony at all costs" is your battle cry. You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people. Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly. You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others.

Sun is in 21 Degrees Leo.
More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.

Moon is in 21 Degrees Libra.
Affectionate, warm and friendly, life must be a "beautiful" experience for you. Unpleasantness should be avoided at all costs. You tend to overlook other people's faults and you would rather give in than fight. You are uncomfortable with strangers, but at ease and sociable with friends and associates. Indeed, you would rather socialize than work -- you can use your prodigious charm to avoid unpleasant tasks. You need the support and assistance of another in order to get you started on any new project -- you are not a self-starter. Be careful of a tendency to be overly self-indulgent (i.e., lazy). Your refined aesthetic sensibilities attract you to music, dance, art and any other cultured activity.

Mercury is in 03 Degrees Virgo.
Very thorough and efficient, you pay attention to the minor but important details of any project. You are a careful thinker who can learn complicated, intricate techniques. You are attracted to practical, useful skills and are probably good at working with your hands. You are very critical of yourself and others, sometimes too much so, and you get the reputation of being a nag or of being nit-picky. Your first reaction to any situation is to try to organize, classify and analyze everything!

Venus is in 03 Degrees Virgo.
You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high -- you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

Mars is in 18 Degrees Virgo.
Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of yourself and others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles.

Jupiter is in 23 Degrees Leo.
You must be proud of all that you do in order to grow and develop. You enjoy being totally honest and aboveboard and you revel in the admiration and respect you receive from others due to your high- minded, upright way of life. Make sure, though, that your natural tendency to boast and show off is based on your actual accomplishments. Don't fall prey to self-exaggeration or arrogance. You truly do like outrageous spectacles and grand jolly times and will go out of your way to make them a reality.

Saturn is in 02 Degrees Aquarius.
Your personal sense of values is a reflection of the value structures of your peer group and of those you respect and admire. Try to be more critical in your acceptance of these values -- you tend to prejudge the abilities of those you trust and then follow what they say blindly. Basically very conservative, you prefer orderly, systematic changes and fear doing things rashly or impulsively. Ideas and philosophies must have some sort of immediately realizable, utilitarian function in order for you to pay any attention to them.

Uranus is in 10 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.

Neptune is in 14 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 17 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 18 Degrees Capricorn.
You rarely get involved closely with anyone unless he or she has something specific and practical to offer you. You tend to be "all business" when it comes to dealing with others. You're usually so intently focused on a particular goal that you rarely have time for social niceties or casual fellowship. But you can definitely be counted on by others to get things done. When you say that you'll do something, you do it. As such, you're a valuable member of any team situation and will probably rise to a position of leadership within the group. Your trustworthiness and sense of responsibility are unquestioned. But do try to avoid the temptation to "use" others to reach your goals -- they might come to resent you.

238.

Slingshot Dakota : South 1st

I used to settle for second best, thinking it was the best I could get. I refuse to ever do it again. Looking for any sort of attention, even if it wasn't what I was looking for. Sometimes I think that's exactly what you're doing. You're not going to wait for someone you're actually compatible with, you're just settling for the girls who come along willing to giving you the time of day. Maybe you wouldn't be so miserable if you forgot about the past and gave your heart to someone who actually wants it and needs you in their life. I know what I want.

Like the dust from out ancient ceiling making its way to the ground, we are falling. And we held ourselves against the floodgates but it was already too late. Deadbold the door and move on. There's nothing left to say. I gave you words. You gave me your version of loving. And now we're giving each other up. Was it really too much? Was it really too much to ask for? And who knew that time would be the one to break us. And who knew that time would be our only excuse. Everybody's looking at you. Everybody's wondering how it feels to be without you. We have nothing left to say. We fell a long time ago.

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

237.

The Weakerthans : Left and Leaving

Scanning old photos has made me realize that I always miss Cincinnati in some way. Right now I really miss how it used to be. I guess we all change, right?

How do you move on so quickly? How can you tell me that you shouldn't be dating anyone and then be talking to a girl three days later? I want to hate you so badly.

My city's still breathing through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show, back with the streets I know will never take me anywhere but here. The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand, the strangers whose faces I know. We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way." Wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are. All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.

Kelsey Swain ; Circa 2007.

236.

Amanda Angelo ; Ardmore Beach; Chicago, Il.

I've been doing well in my critiques so far. The work load is getting more intense. I'm excited and nervous. I need to start meeting people so that I have more models. Once it hits winter, I doubt anyone is going to come here, except for Aaron. I'm sure my class and my professors are going to get tired of seeing Becca all the time. My darkroom professor really likes the nude I did of Becca so I'm hoping it will go over well in critique on Friday.

I've been having dreams lately of people I love dying and me killing them. Last night I had one about Chris and when I went to the hospital to see what had happened, the doctor said he died of a broken heart. Even though I know I haven't hurt him, it still made me want to talk to him and see how he's doing, even if he makes me upset sometimes. Seeing him this weekend was good and bad, but I guess it was more of a push. I keep meeting guys in my class that I'm attracted to but more and more in a friendly way. I keep comparing everyone to him. I miss the excitement I had everytime I spent time with him or talked to him. I talked to Aaron for the first time in weeks. I know that whatever happens between us, we'll always be able to get back to where we were. I know that I want him as my close friend, for a long time. It's rare that I am so sure of what I want.

235.

Hello, fall. Hello, nostalgia.

234.

Tilly and the Wall : Let it Rain

School makes the loneliness a little easier. My professors like my work even though I have a lot more to learn. I love the darkroom procedure so much but I want to learn about the parts of photography that I don't know. The only color I've done is just plain ole' 400 ASA color film in m y 35mm and processing it at a pharmacy. I want to start using color slide film and 120 film in a Holga. We've been looking at Sally Mann a lot lately and I love her work.

I really hope that Becca and I go out west this summer. I want to experiment with new cameras and film while I'm there.

“The things that are close to you, are the things you can photograph the best and unless you photograph what you love, you are not going to make good art.”'

I want to be sharing my excitement with you.

I thought you'd come and go. I never thought you would stay and I'm sorry if I tried to push you away. But the edges they fold and you suddenly find you are buried beneath a blanket of snow you had no idea was even falling. Now you're sitting on a couch inside your home feeling cold. Morhing is clear, all your thoughts they have become so hard to find. With a question mark always slumped at the end of these awkward lines, all the simple words we loved to speak are no longer audible. And I never thought with you and I this would be possible. I can feel the world coming apart and I need you by my side with your delicate heart. So please don't leave me no don't you run. Don't be frightened by the storm so bold and brave. Just let it rain.

233.

Mirah : Mt. St. Helens

This past weekend someone I had just met was comfortable enough to share their grim past with me. And I shared mine with him. As much as I love making new friends, I wish that I would have had that conversation with you. I wish you would tell me things about your life that you don't tell everyone. I want to be able to hold you when things are rough. You telling me that you're happy to hear from me is only going to make me smile for so long. I'm so afraid of coming home. You're always on my mind. The "what ifs" still tear me apart.

Recently, someone told me I was an idiot, hopeless, and worthless for not having faith in my life. I have lived the past eight years of my life with no faith. I'm still here. I'm still living. I'm doing well on my own. I don't need a crutch to help me through.

I presented my introspection piece. I was on the verge of tears just showing the slides but I didn't cry at all. My professor asked me about cutting and why people do it and how the whole process works. I guess it was strange to me that people don't know. Two girls grabbed me after my presentation and told me I was brave for sharing such serious parts of my life. Most of the others didn't really talk about anything important, maybe because there isn't anything there or they just don't want to share it. Sometimes I think I scare people when I talk about my past or think that I do it for pity. But really, I like sharing my life. People haven't experienced some of the things that I have, and not that I want them to, but I wish they knew how it felt. Therapy never really did much for me, maybe because I thought about how broke my mom was and that we were spending $90 an hour for me to talk to someone. Or maybe therapy just wasn't for me, period. But when I went to free group meetings and talked to people my age, is when I started getting better. I think without all that, I'd still be mute and I'd still hate my life.

From the morning when I rise from my bed 'till the evening when I lay my head in slumber, oh, the loss of you does wreck my days. Leaves me with a violent hunger. I will never be free from you 'till I escape the lion's jaw. There's no welcome in the end. There's no reason to return again. The mountain stood so large. We were humbled. We walked a high and lonely path. The sun beat down on the ground. We looked around us. There were no trees there. We found a creek there. We dipped our feet there. We were alone there. There was still hope there. There had been a great disaster. The hot winds came just after. A tremendous shock was felt. Survivors often tell the trees all hit the ground. Death was all around and not a single lonesome sigh. The example lay before you. You knew what you had to do. You have a pressure in you to destroy the one who loved you. The death was all around. You were hotter to me than the sun that burned me up the day we went to Mount Saint Helens. And if the special death you gave to me is the prize I get to take home solemnly and suffer with the fact that I could never be your friend. I could never come back home again.