056.

I am so aggravated with everything and everyone for that matter. Lately something is always bothering me and I really do not know why. People find some way to upset me or maybe I'm just too sensitive right now. I think stress may be getting the best of me. School, trying to save my job, and trying to maintain a healthy social life is overwhelming. I tried being a hermit and only spending time with my horse, but then I was just more lonely and aggravated. After going to Congress this past weekend, I really want to have Dobbin in shape for next year. I forgot the excitement and how fun it is to be in a different city with your best four-legged friend. I feel like art is not occupying enough of my time to distract me from the current ongoing events that are making me so upset. I find myself unable to enjoy some things because I've spent them with you for the past month or so. You've somewhat disappeared and it's probably a good thing for my mental health. But even when you're not around, I still think of you and wonder what you're doing. My mind goes wild with bad thoughts. It's really an awful feeling.

055.

I'm beginning to believe that I deserve tobe lonely. Or maybe I'm just now realizing that have little to offer.

054.

I always give in.

053.

The National: About Today

The beginning of today was awful but as I soon as I got in the car with the Kelseys I was feeling better. We bought a bunch of rap and 90's pop cds at the mall before we started driving to Columbus. It was nice to scream the lyrics of songs I used to love with two of my favorite girls. I still thought about you occasionally today. I'm really glad to have a night away from you. I know tomorrow if I see you I'll just return to my love/hate feelings towards you. I don't want cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't want to have you constantly ruin my day. But for now, I'm going to cuddle in a comfortable hotel bed with KSwain and watch tv until we all pass out.

Today you were far away and I didn't ask you why. What could I say? I was far away. You just walked away and I just watched you. What could I say? How close am I to losing you? Tonight you just close your eyes and I just watch you slip away. How close am I to losing you? Hey, are you awake? Yeah I'm right here. Well can I ask you about today? How close am I to losing you? How close am I to losing?

052.

Answer me this. Is she really worth keeping a secret from me, the person who supports you in anyway possible? If you know being with her would upset me, why do it? Why tell my friends about it and then hush them when I come in the room, especially since you say that you're just hanging out- nothing more? What did I do to you to deserve this treatment? Why can't you respect me? Why do you constantly let me down? I hope she can provide you with all the things I do. But she'll probably provide the one thing I don't.

She was calling around to find half an hour. She walked right into my mirror. Says she's here to waste time I said "That's fine." Listen, to thyself be true, every thread, every hair re-arranged to resemble. You could have her, detective daughter copy. Please don't be me. There are so many skirts under the table. None of these long legs are mine. She calls around finds me crying, wish I were capable of lying sometimes. Love is real, real is love. Love is asking to be loved. Hell is real, real is love. Hell is living love. Hide out and then run when no one's looking She's still calling around to find half an hour. She'll always have a place in the mirror. She's got no more time, I said "That's fine. I'm all out too." To thyself be true.

051.

I wish I had the courage to speak to you about everything, rather than hiding behind meaningless conversation. I wish I knew why you constantly lie to me rather than just telling me how it is. Why bother lying about it? Are you trying to protect me because you actually care? Or do you really not give a shit about anyone? I was just beginning to have hope in you again.

050.

You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change. You'll never change.

I wonder why you even bother lying.

049.

Mt. Eerie: You Swan Go On

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a long time.

I'm always second best. There's always someone better. You'll always find someone better, even if they're really a piece of shit.

As good as I could possibly imagine my life getting, it did, after I met you. The way you reached inside my chest and pulled out things and sent them off in breaths blew. And as good as it got with all the layers peeling off, and though I writhed I could not upset you. With your hand down my throat you held on to my heart and pumped blood through. And then “it’s time to go” you said, “it’s time to go out you little gray goose. Get out from under my wing” you said “go on you swan you turn loose.” I was so “it’s over.” I was so “we died." I was so “your hand on my heart pumping blood went limp” and oh, I fly. Oh swan inside.

048.

I hung out with Aaron the other day for a bit for the first time in months. It was actually really good to see him. Yesterday was awesome. I hung out with Ben and Kelsey all day for the 4567th day in a row. Ben's easily my best guy friend now.

047.

Why?: Shirtless, Sheetless, And

Last night there was a minor catastrophe. Kelsey called me while Auriel and I were out running errands saying that Wendy, our little cockapoo was missing. So we drove back and pretty much all of Northside was on alert for her. The neighborhood kids turned it into a detective game. And then the hood kids said that they would beat up whoever took her. We had a bunch of leads that led to nowhere. Ben and I drove up and down Spring Grove because a man said he saw her there. And then another person said a homeless looking man was carrying her in a bag. She's so friendly that that seemed the most plausible. So then after 4 hours of searching, Ben and I went to Kinkos to make posters. They looked a bit ridiculous because the only pictures of Wendy I had were with Ben. Little cute puppy with a big punk. Around 10 or so the homeless looking man brought her back asking for a reward that he heard about. Figures.

Now I'm ready to enjoy a relaxing weekend after a stressful week. Art is starting to take over my life. Next weekend Kelsey, KSwain and I are going to Columbus which should be fun.

Shirtless, sheetless and sleepless on the edge of your queen-sized bed. Last night I didn't wanna move you cause your tendons were tight, you said I'd be the one you remember as self-obsessed, 'cause every fucking word that I tell you is really self-addressed. Sure you saw me naked but I never took my make-up off. You don't need me, your girlfriend goes cognito no nose mustache on, and plus my eyeballs occupy the sockets like a half-dead doll. So maybe you could kill me off in one of your songs? 'Cause I'm not thrilled about anything, I don't place bets on anything, I'm not thrilled about anything...anything at all.

046.

I'm really glad that Ben and I have been hanging out outside of the bar. I love my bar friends and they're great but I feel like their not real friends if the only place we can hang out is at the bar. But it also makes everything so much harder. I bleached his hair last night and it looks really good. Last night was just great all in all. I'm covered in lipstick.

Karaoke song list:
Journey: Don't Stop Believin'
NSYNC: Tearin' Up My Heart
Toni Braxton: Unbreak My Heart
Cher: Believe

What an eclectic night.

045.

Wilco: Should've Been in Love.

I'm stuck in a fantasy world, where I constantly dream about what could have been, what should have been.

One of my bosses and I were talking about how it such a commonality to lie about how we're feeling when we're in passing with someone, either to avoid a longer conversation or just to hide our feelings. I often find myself saying "I'm well, thank you" after someone asks me how I am. I don't usually even think about that answer anymore, maybe because I think it's what people want or expect to hear. If I say that I'm feeling horrible or I'm upset, they feel obligated to ask for more details that they probably don't even care about. I really don't expect much from anyone these days, just respect and honesty.

I also found that I can't count on anyone these days. I'm doubtful when friends make promises, even about the smallest things like what time they'll be somewhere. It's tiring to believe in people anymore, especially when they don't give two shits.

Your life's been stinking, your heart's been shrinking, and you're too busy thinking to stop. You blink and you're blue. Should've been in love. I know how it goes so I just had to let you know I know. My lifes been stinking, my heart's been shrinking, and I'm too busy thinking to stop. I blink and you're gone. Should've been in love. We should've been in love.

044.

Converge: The Broken Vow.

I can say that I had a fairly lovely weekend. Friday night I went to Bikehaus II and saw friends that I don't often see. I loved seeing Lee and Burg, especially since they are always so concerned about me. I wish I saw them both more but live so far away. Lee is the only male that knows everything about me and even when I disappoint him, he's always there to support me and give me advice that I'm too stupid to take. I wish I listened to him more often. I guess he is my other half that is very skeptical of everyone and find the bad in any situation of mine to prevent me from making mistakes. I always said that if he didn't end up marrying Kara, I would marry him in a heartbeat. I want him in my life forever.

"Everytime you see him, you light up like I've never seen before." Somedays I really wish you'd have your head on straight. But that would make me love you even more.

Those nights we had and the trust we lost. The sleep that fled me and the heart I lost, it all reminds me just how callous and heartless the true cowards are. And I write this for the loveless and for the risks we take. I'll take my love to the grave as tired and worn it is.

043.

mewithoutYou: Messes of Men.

I was almost hit by a car today. The sad part about it was that when the car zoomed past me, I wasn't scared at all. I think that I have faced death so many times that it doesn't scare me anymore. I always feared dying alone and unloved.

Because I am so socially awkward, working in retail has always been a little bit difficult for me. But over the past two years I have really learned how to be a people person, maybe because I know that the only way I'll make money is if there is money in the cash register. It makes me really sad when people come into the store and are really rude to me, like I'm some kind of servant. I like helping people pick out outfits and let them know what I think would be flattering. I don't appreciate the disrespect and it really ruins my day.

I want to go back to a couple months ago when I had your full attention. I wish I didn't have to fight so hard for it.

"I do not exist," we faithfully insist, sailing in our separate ships and from each tiny caravel. Tiring of trying, there's a unnecessary dying, like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell. Such distance from our friends, like a scratch across the lens, made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood.

042.

Elliott Smith: Between the Bars.

I'll defend you, even if you hurt me. I'll love you, even when I see other girls catching your eye, like I do every night. I'll hold you up when you drunkenly say my name. I'll do it until the butterflies go away. We'll both be in a new city soon and I'm dreaming.

Drink up, baby, stay up all night. The things you could do, you won't but you might. The potential you'll be, that you'll never see, the promises you'll only make. Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days. Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away, the images stuck in your head. People you've been before that you don't want around anymore that push and shove and won't bend to your will, I'll keep them still. Drink up, baby, look at the stars. I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught. Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine. Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest, where I like you the best and keep the things you forgot. The people you've been before that you don't want around anymore, that push and shove and won't bend to your will, I'll keep them still.



Photograph by Larry Clark.

041.

Elliott Smith: Better Be Quiet Now.

Wish you gave me a number, wish I could call you today, just to hear a voice. I got a long way to go, getting further away. If I didnt know the difference, living alone would probably be ok. It wouldnt be lonely. I got a long way to go, getting further away. A lot of hours to occupy it was easy when I didnt know you yet. Things I'd have to forget. But I better be quiet now, Im tired of wasting my breath, carrying on, getting upset. Maybe I have a problem, but thats not what I wanted to say. I prefer to say nothing. I got a long way to go, getting further away. Had a dream as an army man with an order, just to march in my place. But a dead enemy screams in my face. But I better be quiet now, I'm tired of wasting my breath carrying on, not over it yet. Wish I knew what you were doing. Why you want to do it this way. So I cant go the distance, I got a long way to go, I'm getting further away.

Photograph by Wolfgang Tillmans.

040.

"Believe it or not I think about you a lot. And I wanna find out why."

If only I heard this from a different person tonight.

039.

Elliott Smith: Everything Reminds Me of Her.

I find beauty or an admirable quality in everyone, even people I don't really care for. I think this why I give second chances sometimes more easily than I should. There a comes a point in time when the chances make me so tired and weary. There's only one person in this world that I have continuously put my heart on the line for and I never seem to regret it. Maybe this is where I'm ignorant, maybe this is how I am so often hurt.

I'm getting my hair cut on Thursday. Small things like hair cuts always make me feel better. Everytime I get one, I always think of my dad. He never wanted me to cut my hair when I was little. He loved my long hair and I kept it, even if I hated it. It's funny because everyone I've dated has loved my long hair and hates when I cut it more. Last summer when I chopped off a good eight inches, it was sort of like letting another piece of dad go, which seems ridiculous. I'm starting to let go of physical attatchments to people with the exception of few extremely sentimental items. I think that the memories I've shared with them are more important than the physical items I have to show for them. My mom said that the reason why there are so many pictures of my dad and I was because they always knew he'd be the first to die. I'm glad there are so many for me to look at so that I have better memories than him lying in a bed unable to move. I don't even have any pictures with Sydney, but it also makes sense because we were behind the camera more than in front of it. I have a few shirts of her's, some drawings, and of course our love for Elliott Smith. I remember after she died, her mom and I drove around listening to Elliott Smith on cassettee tapes crying, but crying tears of joy. Amy and her band learned Everything Reminds Me of Her and I remember Amy struggling to sing the words. Her benefit show was titled A Life in Tune which I'm thinking will be one of my tattoos along with a portrait of her.

I never really had a problem because of leaving. But everything reminds me of her this evening. So if I seem a little out of it, sorry. But why should I lie? Everything reminds me of her. The spin of the earth impaled a silhouette of the sun on the steeple. And I got to hear the same sermon all the time now from you people. "Why are you staring into outer space, crying? Just because you came across it, and lost it?" Everything reminds me of her.

038.

My studio teacher gave me a stuffed bear today because she's proud of me. My mom says that I should be touched that any instructor would give me something. I guess I am, but at the same time confused. Maybe it is because I am so critical of my work but always find beauty in others'. I've started having my camera with me at all times like I used to. I've been reading up on photographers that are similar to my style and they've been helpful. Hopefully I will soon find my true eye.

Photograph by Larry Clark.

037.

Fall is finally here. The season I wait all year for. I stepped outside and smelled the air and thought of you. For a moment, my heart smiled and I remembered all the wonderful times we shared together. But soon there after my heart got cold and remembered how those times weren't enough, how I wasn't enough. But no longer am I going to dwell on our past and hope that you've changed or hope that you see through my eyes. I know you won't. I'm giving up on you until I see some kind of proof to make me believe that it is worth putting myself on the line once again. For now the smell of fall that I have always loved makes me sick. What did you do to me?

Photograph by Ryan McGinley.