071.

Last night I witnessed something that I thought I would only hear about in the news and see in movies. I don't understand the appeal of cutting off the oxygen flow to your brain and turning purple. I didn't think the "whip-it" trend would penetrate my circle of friends. I left the party last night soon after someone I didn't know fell on me, knocking me into the refrigerator. The dinner party beforehand was lovely and it was nice to dress up and spend some time with close friends and no strangers.

070.

Bear Vs. Shark: We Were Sad But Now We're Rebuilding

It's weird to think about this time last year-the relationships, the grudges, etc. This time last year, I was happily in a relationship with Luke, probably one of the best relationships I have ever been in. I spent almost everyday at Dude Lounge with my girls, having long bathroom talks while Kyle would bang on the door because it's used for waste disposal, not girl talk. After Ryan moved out and Peyton got his room, I had my own makeshift bed in Ryan/Peyton's old room. I'd lay there till 6am with Luke just holding him and loving every second of my life. There was rarely drama and life was good. Now when I go to the old Dude Lounge and see how it is now, I can't help but to remember the certain things that happened in each spot. The staircase that Peyton pantsed me on because I chose sweatpants. The room that I cried myself to sleep in when Luke left me. Things were so different last year and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. Now there is so much deceit and lying and backstabbing that I don't care to be a part of. There's always something to be said. And I'm alone. Maybe I just never noticed it.

Complete the syntax, rearrange my thought process. In time, every point will form a line, prenatal cycle while you're pushing the jack again. And you backed up much too far, too far. And we thought this movement fell short. Then there's a concrete wall. This is a parade. There are the stars in your eyes. This is an ending thought that pushes my feet. This is the moonlight and these are the stars in your eyes and these are the times that reflect inside your smile. And I thought we came too close to the ground. The zeppelin failed to push you away. The greco roman doors have been opened to the Thailand traders, but I would never trade you in for an idea without just cause. Nail us to this cross with a d.n.a. photo album of the times we lost. Live in the earth again, road maps as eyes. I am alive and leaving.

069.

Thanksgiving 2001 was the last holiday my dad was alive for. It was painful to see him in a wheelchair. I remember he was so fragile yet he wanted me to sit on his lap. That night was ultimately the last night I sat on his lap. This Thanksgiving was spent in Columbus with my sister and her husband's family. It was nice and simple but I couldn't help but to be sad.

068.

Japanther: The Dirge

I can say that Saturday was the best day I've had in a really long time. KSwain and I rode the trail behind the barn and even though it was really short, the ending was the best. At the top of this big hill is a flat grassy area that Dobbin loved. If he wasn't running around, he was all dancy and jittery. It was a pretty view as well. I wish I would have had my camera with me. I really want to go on an all day trail or a weekend trip soon. I wish Rupert wasn't such as asshole so Kelsey could come too. After riding, I went to the toy store and mall with Kelsey, Ben, and Maria. Malls really annoy me during the holiday season but looking at toys was fun. Went to Red Pepper afterwards with Kelsey and Ben. Pretty much the entire time we were laughing. I love them so much. Moments like that remind me why I still keep Ben close to me.

I love you no matter where you spend the night. You can always come back to me, because I'm nothing and you are everything.

067.

I have so many things on my mind that have been building up, they're all most likely meaningless when it comes down to it.

"Human relationships didn't work anyhow. Only the first two weeks had any zing, then the participants lost their interest. Masks dropped away and real people began to appear: cranks, imbeciles, the demented, the vengeful, sadists, killers. Modern society had created its own kind and they feasted on each other. It was a duel to the death...in a cesspool."
— Charles Bukowski , 1978

I read this and it actually made me really sad because I think it's true. Maybe I'm bitter because I've yet to have a semi-successful relationship. Rodney is the only ex I speak to and even that took a year and a half. It really is true that people's true colors come out after the excitement is over.

I wish I could spend time with my friends and have a decent time without all the bullshit. For example, I was having an awesome night Tuesday night but then it was ruined by the immaturity of people and the fact that I don't know who actually sticks up for me these days. I haven't been with Allyson nearly as much as I used to be, yet she had my back and attempted to solve the issue. By the way, I'm not the kind of girl to get on him while you're dating him. I do have respect for myself and for other people. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't run your mouth about it, I've been nothing but civil to you.

066.

Elliott Smith: Going Nowhere.

My love for Elliott Smith will never die, even when it reminds me of some happy times that I miss and some sad times as well. For instance, Luke called me and sang me "Angel in the Snow" and we used to listen to the New Moon album everytime we drove somewhere. Another memory is of Syd's mom and I listening to Elliott Smith on cassette and crying when "Everything Reminds Me of Her" came on. I love just laying and listening and thinking, even if it makes me revisit hard times.

He waved hello silent like a mime. We met, there's no changing my mind. I won't walk the stairs with you tonight, going nowhere. The clock moved a quarter of a turn, the time it took a cigarette to burn. She said you got a lot of things to learn, going nowhere. Saw you move a certain way. Missed you a lot. Return to this abandoned place, should a been forgot. Echoes drown the conversation out. Echoes that only seem to bring about a silent expression. Things you may allow going nowhere. The steps made a pattern I'd never seen. I felt like a kid of six or seventeen. I was off in some empty day dream, going nowhere. It's dead and gone matter of fact, maybe for the best. Said some things you can't take back honestly I guess. The old records sitting on the floor, the ones I can't put on anymore. He walked over to her like before, going nowhere.

065.

Chairlift: Bruises

Today was miserable. I'm sick and hopeless. I was hoping today you'd remember and make my day, but of course you forgot. And of course I was left disappointed. I wish I had the money for a vacation and just leave Cincinnati for a few days. Thanksgiving is next week, the first of many painful events.

I tried to do handstands for you. I tried to do headstands for you. Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell. I tried to do handstands for you, but every time I fell for you I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you. I tried to do handstands for you. I tried to do headstands for you. Every time I fell on you yeah every time I fell I tried to do handstands but every time I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you. I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruisy knees but frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like all those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruisy knees. Hot July ain't good to me. I'm pink and black and blue. I got bruises on my knees for you and grass stains on my knees for you. Got holes in my new jeans for you.