015.

There is a never ending cycle of drama, which is everywhere, but the part that gets me is the people fueling the fire. Since when did everyone decide to involve themselves in other people's business? Did occur to them that they are only making matters worse? It might appear to you that you think you're backing a friend up, but in reality, you're slowly ruining people's lives. People make mistakes and its hard for someone to accept/forgive those mistakes if there is someone preventing that from happening. I've made plenty mistakes, probably worth losing friends over and I accept that. It's sad to see friendships thrown away over petty things that won't matter in a couple months. I'm sure it hurts now, I'm sure it'll always reside in the back of your mind. But there is a time to let it to go and the sooner you do that, the sooner the sulking and self pity will end.

Aaron always told me that things will heal with time and I'm actually starting to believe in that statement, although I don't think I believe in it for our friendship in particular. After not speaking to Rodney for almost a year and a half, I now see him at least once a week. Last night he paid for a fancy dinner at the Oceanaire which was lovely to say the least. I enjoy the fact that we can have intelligent conversations like we used to. That was probably one of the things I loved about him the most. I've been letting go of my grudges and trying to resolve matters with a few people, but I know there are a few that I have no control over. I would hope that somewhere in their hearts, they can learn to set aside the past, like I'm trying to do. Rodney and I also talked about this. It's easy to forgive someone for what they've done, its another thing to accept it and move past it. I'm glad that there was such a big gap between the ending of our relationship and renewal of our friendship. It's easier to make our relationship an example in everyday conversation without any awkwardness. Granted he was the first person to really and truly hurt me, I know that I made my mistakes as well. I feel that within the past couple weeks I have really been growing up. I'll only be in Cincinnati till May. I'd like to make the best of it.

014.

It's been really helpful going to the barn almost everyday. I forgot how much my horse got me through. Last night he ran his heart out for me and made me really proud. It's hard to believe that around this time last year I found him laying in his own blood, unable to stand. Kelsey and I have been going up together and it's great that we have another thing to bond over. Kelsey Swain is still taking care of him on Wednesdays which is nice of her. The girls and I are planning a trail ride at Eastfork or Camargo when it gets a little cooler out. Kelsey and I have decided that we're moving our horses to Chicago with us. The more I think about it and the more time I spend with him, the more I realize I can't leave him here.

013.

I've been spending so much time with my horse lately and it's been great. I feel like I'm getting my life back on track and really working hard to achieve my goals and get where I want to go. I'm loving it.

I took this a couple nights ago. It's Brandi's mewithoutYou tattoo that I used for my text prompt in class.

012.

Elliott Smith: Roman Candle.

Viewing my life from the outside in, one could easily think that I have it made and that I am a spoiled girl who complains too much. But in reality, I want to explode every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I'm trying to balance school, working, and taking care of animal who has gotten me through more hard times than any human being has. I have $250 for Columbia which not even close to making the $36,000 every year for four years. I do not want to rely on scholarships, grants, and loans that will ultimately cause more stress in the end. The store I work at may be closing and I will jobless. It seems that no one is hiring these days with how bad the economy is and it worries me. I refuse to get rid of my horse like he is a used tissue even if he has caused more financial issues than anything else in my life. I am grateful that I have a best friend who is willing to set aside her goals and dreams so that I can accomplish mine. I only wish that I could be grateful for an understanding family. My grandfather who has always been there for me, sent me fifty dollars today. I feel bad that I stopped attending family events solely because he has always been so great to me. When my dad was dying, he promised him that he would take care of me. I feel that I will be the reason for his next heart attack because of how awful I am viewed by everyone, when really I'm just trying to get to where I want to be and am hitting some bumps along the road. I'm at a loss for what to do. My relationship with my mother is a rollercoaster ride that I don't care to add to my large enough plate. I would love to get out of this hell hole that I am supposed to call "home." I don't sleep well anymore and I am constantly having headaches and stomach aches. My mother says its because I don't know how to handle things and suggests me going back to therapy, a place that has also put us into debt for its unhelpful services. I don't need to pay someone to listen to my problems and give no advice on how to handle them. I'm lost right now and I'm willing to admit that.

I hear you cry. Your tears are cheap, wet hot red swollen cheeks. Fall asleep. I want to hurt him. I want to give him pain. I'm a roman candle, my head is full of flames.

I've always loved this picture and somehow I just now realized that the woman has a Banksy tattoo, which I want to by my next tattoo.

011.

It has become clear to me that my family has the same mentality as a gaggle of high school girls. Everyone else's issues are made into their own and feel the need to put forth their two cents. The family seems to think that I am the way I am because my mother didn't raise me the right way. One of the things I appreciate about my mother is that she put my sister and I in public high schools and never once told us that the art world may bring us great disappointment and an empty wallet. My sister realized late in college that dancing professionally may not be the life for her if she wants to have a family, although it was undeniable that her ability to dance would take her places. After graduating with a minor in dance and major in family studies, getting married, and having two golden retrievers, she realized that dance was her passion. She had her first recital in years over the summer and was asked to be a dance teacher which is not far from her original goal of being a dance therapist. Like me, she struggled through high school but for different reasons. Somehow my family felt that they could support her dreams but when an aspiring photographer/fashion designer/stylist comes along, there is no bone in their bodies between them that can support such dream. I talk about when I come to visit Cincinnati on breaks at school and my mother always tells me that I'm not coming back and that I'm going to make a life for myself in Chicago and never want to see anybody in Cincinnati again. This may be true.

Kelsey Kalnow bought a horse yesterday that I will be taking care of while she's gone for a month. So now I will have the responsibility of two horses, one that I'm trying to nurse back to barrel racing, the other trying to keep the arthritis under control. I look forward to it. I have one more think to soak my mind in and not worry about the millions of things that my brain constantly worries about.

I don't know how often I can see you anymore. I want to be there for you as you're having a hard time, but I feel that old thoughts and emotions are rekindling inside of me, which scares the living hell out of me, considering she will always have your heart.

010.

I told you I'd wait for you to come to your senses. One year and a half later, I'm still here waiting. Wisen up.

009.

Interpol: NYC.

This pretty much sums up anything I could ever write about the subject:

I've realized that lately all I have been trying to do is teach myself how to not care. How to realize when someone is a waste of my time. Or how to recognize my downfalls. I've been saturating my mind in art projects and trying to put my brain to better use than trying to teach myself how to be happy and how to not let small things get to me. I move to Chicago in May. I've heard that Luke is going and that he isn't going. A part of me hopes that he will so that I know someone is up there with me that knows pretty much everything about me and despite every bone in my body that tells me not to have any contact with him, I can pick up the phone and call him if I feel lost. I know I'll have a few friends up there, but no one who I've shared so much with and no one that really knows me. They're friends that I've shared a few dances with or friends that let me crash on their air mattress or futon when I need to get out of Cincinnati. Part of me is so scared to leave some of my friends here. I'm scared that once I leave, no one here will try to keep contact with me and no one will care that I'm gone. I can't envision anyone coming to visit me. I suppose that just puts me in the position to force myself to be social even though I don't have the one person who always helped me do that. I guess the only thing to do is chalk it up to losses being lessons.

I had seven faces. Thought I knew which one to wear, but I'm sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care.