294.

A girl told me about her long distance relationship that worked for almost all of her freshman year. They broke up over spring break but spent the summer and weekends sleeping together. I know that that is what I'm settling for and I know that in the long run, it's just hurting me more. I wish I wasn't settling and I wish I didn't always replay him drunkenly telling me he is still love with me. Drunken words are sober thoughts, right? I don't feel any pain now because just waking up next to him is enough for me right now. I'd rather be close to him than reject any contact. I hate that every day I try to imagine my life if I had stayed in Cincinnati. I imagine that nothing would have changed and that I would be happy. I hate that I think that because I am where I'm supposed to be. I'm in the place that I pushed to get to for four years. I'm in the place that will help me get to where I want to be. I know that the place we'll end up won't be the same place. Until the day that we no longer speak and I no longer wake up in his bed in the morning, is the day this will all hit me harder than I had imagined and I'm allowing that to happen.

I'm not unhappy. I'm not satisfied. I'm in this in between place that is a world of confusion and indifference.