mewithoutYou : Nice and Blue
I hope that you would be proud of me if you were here. I kept my promise to you, regardless of how hard the past couple years have been. You are one of my only motivations to keep going, some days. I miss you more than anything. I wish I would call home and you and Mom would both be on the phone with me, congratulating me or telling me everything will be okay. I want so badly for you to tell me that I'm on the right path, that you're proud of me. When I think about the horrible things I've done and said, it makes me feel sick to my stomach because I know that's not what you raised me to do. I have never regretted anything I've done in the past, but I would if I knew they disappointed you. I want so badly to believe that there is a heaven, so that I know you're somewhere safe and happy, not just six feet under the ground. But I know better than that.
Some days I don't mind only having one friend here. We've built our friendship and made it even stronger than it already was. I don't miss listening to the incessant shit talking back home or worrying about who I'm going to piss off. It's almost carefree here. Although, I won't say that starting over is easy. I'm so socially awkward that meeting people is so difficult, especially when I'm so picky and heartbroken. Luke used to tell me that apathy was worse than hate. Because when you hate someone, you still care about them enough to hate them. It's weird to think that when I met him, we both had the same goal of going to Columbia and getting out of Cincinnati. Now I'm here, and he's still there. Maybe one day. "I just wanted to let you know you're missed here. Every weekend I try to call you because I haven't seen you in so long and then I realize it's because you don't live here. Come back soon." This made me realize that I'll never be able to sever my ties to Cincinnati.
You were a song I couldn't sing. You were a story I couldn't tell. I've only ever loved myself, but I've loved myself so well. And how defeated I return! You're nice and blue, yeah you're nice and blue. I missed what I was supposed to learn 'cause all I learned about was missing you.
I hope that you would be proud of me if you were here. I kept my promise to you, regardless of how hard the past couple years have been. You are one of my only motivations to keep going, some days. I miss you more than anything. I wish I would call home and you and Mom would both be on the phone with me, congratulating me or telling me everything will be okay. I want so badly for you to tell me that I'm on the right path, that you're proud of me. When I think about the horrible things I've done and said, it makes me feel sick to my stomach because I know that's not what you raised me to do. I have never regretted anything I've done in the past, but I would if I knew they disappointed you. I want so badly to believe that there is a heaven, so that I know you're somewhere safe and happy, not just six feet under the ground. But I know better than that.
Some days I don't mind only having one friend here. We've built our friendship and made it even stronger than it already was. I don't miss listening to the incessant shit talking back home or worrying about who I'm going to piss off. It's almost carefree here. Although, I won't say that starting over is easy. I'm so socially awkward that meeting people is so difficult, especially when I'm so picky and heartbroken. Luke used to tell me that apathy was worse than hate. Because when you hate someone, you still care about them enough to hate them. It's weird to think that when I met him, we both had the same goal of going to Columbia and getting out of Cincinnati. Now I'm here, and he's still there. Maybe one day. "I just wanted to let you know you're missed here. Every weekend I try to call you because I haven't seen you in so long and then I realize it's because you don't live here. Come back soon." This made me realize that I'll never be able to sever my ties to Cincinnati.
You were a song I couldn't sing. You were a story I couldn't tell. I've only ever loved myself, but I've loved myself so well. And how defeated I return! You're nice and blue, yeah you're nice and blue. I missed what I was supposed to learn 'cause all I learned about was missing you.
No comments:
Post a Comment