272.

Making the same "mistake" twice seems to be my profession. I get myself involved again in situations that once felt so right, but now are so wrong. The fact that I don't acknowledge the fact that it's wrong or feel like it's wrong is terrifying. I replay these moments over and over in my head and they give me satisfaction rather than realization.

For the past year or so, every time I slept next to you in your bed, I dreamed of you even though you were right next to me. You weren't next to me how I wanted you to, so my mind fabricated these dreams of what I wished and hoped for. Last week, I didn't dream of you. Feeling your arm around my waist and your chest compressing against my back is what I've been waiting for. Almost two years ago, I felt that a few times and maybe I didn't appreciate it enough then. Your forehead kisses reminded me of a time where things weren't so complicated. I don't have any false hope from this past week or think anything more of it than two people who care for each other sharing a few moments. Maybe that's really all I've been waiting for- not a relationship with you, just a recognition. I know it's selfish of me to not want you to move away considering I have, but I just always want you close to me.

As for you- I don't even know what to say anymore. This summer will be interesting.

271.

For some reason, I read old journals and look at old photos. They never help- probably because I focus on how well things were going and then they just went downhill. Instead today I read up to things getting better. Things do get better. I've been thinking a lot about what has happened the past two years- mainly my mistakes. I keep trying to blame them on a certain break up but I can't lean on that anymore. I made a conscious decision to do the things I did. I also noticed that I see those mistakes coming through now except with different people and different situations. I'm making an effort to prevent these things from happening again. I'm working on being as strong as I used to be.

I'm working on drawing a straight line and I'll draw until I get one right.
It's bold and dark, girl, can't you see?
I done draw a line between you and me.
I'm working on erasing you, I just don't have the proper tools
I'll get hammered and forget that you exist.
There's no way I'm forgetting this.
I'm working hard on walking out.
My shoes keep sticking to the ground.
My clothes won't let me close the door.
These trousers seem to love your floor.

270.

Some days I really just want to sit on the train or on the bus and photograph all of the interesting people I see. Unfortunately, I have an issue confronting complete strangers with my camera. I suppose that's something I should probably get over.

Amy contacted me today. I haven't heard from her in years. I've tried calling and sending letters but no reply. My mom thinks that I was a reminder of Sydney and that eventually it would get hard for her to spend time with me. She is planning a five year anniversary benefit for late June and wants me to help her with it. I can't believe that it has already been this long without her. After talking with Amy I was immediately reminded that Sydney is the reason I'm here. One day she wrote me a note in our notebook about how excited she was to develop her own film. I knew nothing about photography but I knew it had to be exciting because she was my artistic idol. Come to think of it, I idolized almost everything about her. So I waited until my sophomore year when Photo I was available for me to take. Now I'm at Columbia majoring in it. That girl affected so many people's lives in the short fourteen years she lived and it is incredible.

269.

After three years of black and white photography, it has been hard for me to see with a color eye. I have an appreciation for well done color photography, it is just more difficult for me to find color photographs worth taking that I think could be well executed. So far my professor thinks I'm doing well. The assignment for last week was to shoot one color roll- half of it as if I were taking it in color, half of it as if I were taking it in black and white. Then we had to choose two negatives from the roll and print both in black and white and in color. My class thought that my photographs were effective both in black and white and in color, which wasn't really the assignment, but I am glad that there is an appreciation for my work. The project for this week is two shoot a series of twelve photographs that are abstract and represent a single emotion. I have never been one for abstraction, so this will probably be somewhat difficult for me but I look forward to the challenge. I'm glad that we are getting more interesting assignments now that we have learned about color theory.

I love finding new photographers. The following photographs were taken by Anastasia Cazabon.

268.

I've been feeling really good about myself lately. I'm enjoying myself, breaking out of my shell slowly but surely. Color photography is hard, just as I expected it to be, but I am up for the challenge and I enjoy a challenge. I never really have much to say in my journal anymore, which I almost consider a good thing. Nothing is really going wrong. It would be nice to have some sort of companionship, but that is something I can wait for.

267.

Every time I leave class, I am reminded that I am in the right place and I smile. This semester is going to be more difficult than the last but I am so prepared for that. Having never professionally shot color, I am terrified, yet excited for new opportunities and learning experiences. I haven't met my College Mathematics professor yet, but the rest of my professors seem awesome. I'm glad that I have the same darkroom professor so that I'll be able to be somewhat comfortable. I found myself talking to more people I don't know. I'm still my usual socially awkward self, but I've been opening up more. Networking myself is ultimately going to be the most important thing I learn how to do.

266.

I have been in Cincinnati since December 18th. It has been nice having a break from classes but I am more than ready to go back. Last semester's hard work got me a 3.7, which I am extremely happy with. Right now I am almost too comfortable here, like I'm getting sucked back into everything I left. Along with this realization, I realized who really cares about me and who I really care about. It has been great spending time with real friends and seeing my horse. I really want to move him to Illinois next year so that I can spend as much time with him as possible.