165.

I wish I had someone who made me excited to wake up every morning, anxious to speak to, and sleep well at night. I have my few options right now, and there are flaws in all of them. Part of me feels like if I've been waiting this long for someone that I shouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve or want. But part of me doesn't want to be alone for the next five months. And another part of me is afraid of falling in love before I leave. I don't want to change my path for anyone and I'm thinking that if I meet someone who I really care about and want to be with, I'll change my path and make the worst mistake of my life. I'm losing inspiration in my artwork. I'm afraid that once I'm in Chicago, I'll completely lose it. I was having a pretty good day yesterday, unusally hyper, but then I got my rejection letter for one of the Columbia scholarships. My mom told me what I expected to hear from her, but I don't necessarily believe. She said it has nothing to do with my capability or my artwork, just the fact that it was a long shot because of all the applications. At least I have a computer-geek friend that helped me make my digitial portfolio. Or at least I hope I still have that friend. I've been restless lately. My legs and hands are constantly shaking and it's hard for me to sleep at night. Kelsey and I had a very productive day at the barn yesterday and it felt really good, regardless of being exhausted and my aching back. I'm also afraid that since Dobbin is staying in Cincinnati my first year, that I won't have somewhere in Chicago to escape to and be involved in so much that I forget about everything else. It pretty much comes down to the fact that I am restless and scared. Maybe this whole rant was pointless.