095.

New Year's Eve is tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to the holiday, as I have no one to ring it in with. I do look forward to have an evening with friends.

Kelsey Swain has been staying with me the past couple days. It's nice having someone to share my bed with. Well, the futon in the basement. My room isn't very clean and my real bed is covered with clothes and papers. Hopefully I will be able to sleep in it soon.

I wish you knew how at home I feel when I'm with you. No expectations, no impressions.

094.

Lullaby for the Working Class: The Wounded Spider

There's no bruises on you to prove the abuse. You claim it's all an attempt to resurface pain I caused you. That's why you're such a mess. I feel all right. Feel somewhat guilty, feeling strong. Will the guilt ever cease? You can complain no one ever saw you more than the girlfriend because you never tried to be more to them. But I can't complain so neither can you. I'm sorry that I stand up straight. And sorry that you can not say what you mean. Take back all that we said. Lift up our shirts and compared our wounds. I feel good, so much better than before. There's no bruises on you to prove the abuse. You claim it's all an attempt to resurface pain I caused you. I'm sorry I met you. And I'm sorry that I stand up straight. Sorry that you can not say what you mean. Take back all that you said. Lift up your shirt and compare your wounds with mine.



Photograph by Wolfgang Tillmans

093.

Frightened Rabbit: Keep Yourself Warm

Chuck and I just had a moment of silence and listened to Frightened Rabbit, smiling and almost crying to our favorite lines. I love having this kind of friendship with a man who is over fifty years old. We tell each other about our love lives and give advice. We share music and admire the lyricism. He's a hopeless romantic that gives me hope for my future love life. I wish there were more men in the world like him.

It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.

092.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutal addiction."
- Chuck Palahniuk

I feel sick and disgusting for wanting the same.

091.

As I am gutting out my house, I found duets that my mother and I used to play on the piano. My dad loved sitting down in his big chair and listening to us. I haven't played since he died but today I mustered up enough strength to play. I've lost a lot of my knowledge of the piano and music reading but the longer I played, the more that came back to me. I'm going to start playing again even though it makes me really emotional. Who knows, maybe this will help me get through this year's round of seasonal depression. It is painfully ironic that the acronym for it is SAD.

080.

This Christmas was pretty small but that's okay with me. My mom got me an x-acto knife kit, a flash, some Sweedish Fish, and leg warmers. My grandparents got me a portfolio and a scarf and gloves set. One of my presents for my uncle was a framed print of the first photograph of mine ever in a show. It's of his daughter who has "fallen off the wagon" as some family members have said. It made him cry which wasn't my intention but everyone said it's good that it made him cry because that means it means something. I think I'm spending tomorrow with Rodney. Maybe we'll be typical and go see a movie.

088.

Today has slowly ruined my family's last Christmas in this house. My mom even bought a real tree for this year. The last time we got a real tree was the year my dad was sick (2001) but we couldn't get it inside so we planted it. So we bought green cardstock and made a paper tree with paper ornaments on it. My mom and I were supposed to pick my sister up half way in Columbus but the roads were too bad and my sister didn't want to risk it. My brother was stuck in Indianapolis for a couple hours because they closed off the highways and there isn't any other way from Chicago. So tomorrow morning we won't have the usual brunch, cemetery visit, and present opening. Everything is delayed to an hour before the big family Christmas. I wish it wouldn't be so rushed.

Chuck had me listen to the band Frightened Rabbit. Everything about them makes me quiver, in the best way possible of course. I can't get over how perfect their lyrics are. A lot of which apply to what I'm feeling right now.

Good Arms Vs. Bad Arms:
Good arms, versus bad arms, will win hands down. They are built to hold and fit. Look how far they go around. You don't need these now that you've found another pair and the difference astounding, I should expect except leave the rest at arm's length. Keep your naked flesh under your favorite dress and leave the rest at arm's length. When they reach out, don't touch them, don't touch them. I decided this decision some six months ago so I'll stick to my guns, but from now on it's war. I am armed with the past, and the will, and a brick. I might not want you back, but I want to kill him and leave the rest at arm's length. Keep your naked flesh under your favorite dress and leave the rest at arm's length. When they reach out, don't touch them, don't touch them and leave the rest at arm's length. Don't brush with him, he might have diseases and leave the rest at arm's length. Steer clear of the grasp, girl- run, run, away and leave thes rest at arm's length. Just roll over boy and don't make me do this and leave the rest at arm's length. I am armed to the teeth and I'm heavy set and leave the rest at arm's length. I'm not ready to see you this happy and leave the rest at arm's length. I'm still in love with you, can't admit it yet.

Poke:
Poke at my iris, why can't I cry about this? Maybe there is something that you know that I don't? We adopt a brand new language, communicate through pursed lips, you try not to put on any sexy clothes or graces. I might never catch a mouse and present it in my mouth and make you feel you're with someone who deserves to be with you. But there's one thing we've got going and it's the only thing worth knowing. It's got lots to do with magnets and the pull of the moon. Why won't our love keel over as it chokes on a bone? We can mourn its passing and then bury it in snow. Or should we kick its cunt in and watch as it dies from bleeding. If you don't want to be with me just say and I will go. Well we can change our partners this is a progressive dance, but remember it was me who dragged you up to the sweaty floor. Well this has been a reel. I've got shin-splints and a stitch. But like a drunken night it's the best bits that are coloured in. Should look through some old photos I adored you in every one of those. If someone took a picture of us now they'd need to be told that we had ever clung on tight and maybe not with arms at night. I'd say she was his sister but she doesn't have his nose. And now we're unrelated and rid of all the shit we hated, but I hate when I feel like this and I never hated you.