102.

I love him.

101.

"The fashion photographer inside my head yells: Give me pity. Flash. Give me another chance. Flash."

100.

In the nine years I have spent with horses, I have never had an injury this bad, which is actually not that bad at all. I went to my uncle's office today for x-rays. He said that when you lay on your side your spine is supposed to curl on the bottom (I forget the medical term) but mine doesn't, it's abnormally straight. Other than that, nothing bad showed up on my x-rays. Then I went down the road to his chiropractor friend. The massage was painful but helped me walk with more ease. The shock therapy was very uncomfortable. The stretches made me feel like an idiot. He only expects that I'll need therapy the rest of the week and I should start feeling better. I'm not allowed to ride for awhile which is going to kill me. I hope there's only bad weather this week so I won't feel so terrible not riding.

I think I would enjoy digital photography more if I knew more about Photoshop. Someone teach me the ways. Also, I really want a wide-angle lense. I finally got a flash for my 35mm so I'm all set for this semester's area of concentration. [If you don't mind being naked under sheets, you should probably volunteer to model for me.]

099.

Another near death experience caused by horses:

Today KSwain and I rode the trail behind the barn knowing it was a bit muddy. At the top of the huge hill we were racing and running around having a grand ole time. After running the straight for the 547839th time I tried to stop Dobbin but he slid in the mud downhill and decided he was going to run downhill, probably because he was scared. Because this was unexpected, I flew over the saddle and was sitting on his neck with my arms wrapped around him. At the bottom of the hill I was still on him but in a tricky position to dismount. So I threw one leg down and as I was throwing the other one over my boot got caught on the horn, causing me to smack my back on a large rock. I'm so happy that my horse and I have such a strong bond. Most horses would not allow you to hold onto their neck and continue to hold their head up so you can dismount with falling face first. My back hurts really bad and I think I'm going to go back to the doctor for some x-rays. My back is already extremely messed up from riding. Maybe I should start wearing a brace.

I received an invitation for the Presidential Scholarship through Columbia. Hopefully I can keep my grades up this semester so I will get it. My ACT and SAT scores blow. Fuck standardized testing.

098.

I just saw the new Will Smith movie. I cried.

097.

Kind of Like Spitting: All Else Failed.

Usually I don't make New Year's resolutions but this year I am. This year I will forget you.

I'm cleansing myself of everything that has happened in the past two years. I'm focusing on my own happiness now.

There's a place in my heart that won't kiss you goodbye, that can't accept the truth that things aren't working out as planned. It's so hard to admit that I drove you away with all this negativity, this anger every day. Your heart doesn't belong to me. Your heart doesn't belong to me. I know I don't have the right to bug you with how this feels, it's just the hardest thing I've been through, nothing's ever felt so real. And on this Sunday night you'll be making love to him, I know because you told me I'm never going to win. Your heart doesn't belong to me. The blood is not on your hands. It's not your fault that I write these things at night. I brought it on myself. I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this. Do I really deserve this?

096.

Last night was pretty bad. The only good parts were seeing Becca and Kelsey Swain, Lee, and I letting David give us steps. We left without saying goodbye to anybody, don't be offended, we just were having an awful time.