163.

Have Heart: The Unbreakable.

As the number of days left in Cincinnati decreases and the worry increases, it is has been refreshing to have my recent realizations. I have always over-analyzed everything I do or say before doing it or saying it and has therefore put a huge road block in front of me when there is something I would really like to say. I'm doing things for me now, without thinking about who it will offend or who will be mad at me. I have five months left, which I keep reiterating to myself to enjoy. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Spring break was extremely necessary. Even though it was not nearly long enough, the vacation was nice. Four days spent in Chicago with a lovely lady was great. I saw Sara five days in a row and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we have a lot in common and a lot of things to share. I haven't been very goofy lately and putting on a sequin jumpsuit for Sara and Paige may not be that extreme, but it was nice to laugh. I haven't laughed in awhile.

Even though I strongly believe money ruins people and friendships/relationships, it would be nice if the exact amount of money needed for me to live in Chicago and get an education would drop onto my door step. My mom keeps telling me that money shouldn't keep me from doing what I want to do. I'm just afraid that even though I've been applying for scholarships and will be applying for student loans soon, I won't have nearly enough money. I spent $120 in less than three days in Chicago and only bought one $30 item for myself. I guess I should start getting used to it. This summer I am going to work on being easier to approach, since I was told that I'm intimidating at first glance. Meeting new people excites me and terrifies me. I hope that the friends I do have will come see me every once in awhile.

and what he said to me was this:
"Just love the world that won't love you back."

162.

Elliott Smith : Talking to Mary

You know you don't have to shout she can hear what you're thinking, like you were saying it right out loud. She sees behind that dirty look. It was her that followed down every stupid turn that you took. One day she'll go, I told you so. One day she'll go, I told you so. Saw the one big problem you keep under your hat and it's pretty unlikely that anyone else will be cool with that. You got bus fare in your pocket and more money down in your sock. But she can't tell you how to contact her if you won't listen to her talk. One day she'll go, I told you so. One day she'll go, I told you so. It's no problem, I'll just keep quiet if it's easier for you to make believe in then that I don't love you as much as I do. One day she'll go, I told you so. One day she'll go, I told you so. I told you so, I told you so.

161.

I guess this what it feels like to be defeated.

Yesterday was awesome for the most part. Sara and Paige make me laugh so I hard I pee. And I have my best friend back.

I'm almost content right now. I'm going to stop fighting for things I will never win. It's probably for the best in the end.

160.

At this point I will never say what I need to say unless I have a gun pointed at my forehead. I miss the way things used to be.

159.

I had a fairly good weekend. Chicago with Kelsey was fun. Seeing Becca was great, especially since I didn't see her on her break in Cincinnati. On the way home Kelsey and I stopped in Planet Mexicana. We stopped there last spring and the town is so weird. All the signs are in Spanish and there are all these trains with creepy graffiti on them. While walking on the tracks we found a skill which was most likely from a dog. It's now sitting in a plastic bag in case something is left in the brain cavity. It's so odd how at home I feel in Chicago. I've been looking at apartments and I have no idea where all this money is going to come from to afford an apartment and school and keeping Dobbin here. I'm overwhelmed.

There's something I want to get off of my chest but A) I don't know how to say it B) I'm terrified of the outcome.

Here are some pictures I've taken recently:

Annalise Scheper ; Cincinnati, OH.

Annalise Scheper ; Cincinnati, OH.

Skull ; Chicago, IL.

Kelsey Swain ; Chicago, IL.

158.

157.

Oh, how I've missed you.

156.

I'm reckless. That is the only word to describe my thoughts and actions lately. I'm done trying to clear the air.

155.

What happened to us?

154.

The Weakerthans : Aside.

There is nothing I want more than to be able to read you. It is a skill that I was never able to aquire.

Being in Cincinnati this weekend was actually nice. I feel like I don't know some of my friends anymore, but I seemed to be welcomed home with open arms, or at least I hope so. I'm sure I haven't been the best of friends to my friends at home, but I sincerely apologize. I had to get out for the sake of my sanity. It did some good but it also did some damage. I thought absence was supposed to make the heart grow fonder.

Measure me in metered lines and one decisive stare. The time it takes to get from here to there. My ribs that show through t-shirts and these shoes I got for free. I'm unconsoled. I'm lonely. I am so much better than I used to be. Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives, drowning in the pools of other lives. Rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony. Get clobbered on by courtesy. In love with love and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play. But it almost feels okay. Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty, armed with every precious failure and amateur cartography. I'm breathing deep before I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor. And I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play. But it feels okay. And I'm leaving with goodbye and I'm losing but I'll try with the last ways left to remember sing my imperfect offering.

153.

I feel like I have lost all of my friends.

152.

I didn't know Esme Kenney, but she is all I have been hearing about in the news and from my peers. It makes me cringe thinking that there are people in the world that find joy in killing, raping, and burning a thirteen year old girl. In 1987, her murderer, Anthony Kirkland, killed someone and was released after sixteen years because the city prosecutor made a plea bargain. He was then in a half way house but was evicted for fighting another inamte. Now because of this, he is linked to seven murders, three being in the ten days prior to his arrest. I cannot imagine how this girl's family feels or how the families of the other victims feel. To know that someone out there can deliberately take a child from the world and do horrible things to him or her, would make me want to pound a brick into that person's forehead.

I hadn't spoken to my mother in two hours and my phone died. I now know why she is always so fearful when she doesn't hear from me.

151.

The Weakerthans: Left and Leaving.

For some reason, today is more lonely than usual. Why do I waste my time thinking about people who have hurt me the most? Maybe I just don't quite understand how one person can do something that awful to another.

I started taking my camera with me everywhere, again. I can't seem to get any creative energy flowing. I'm afraid that once I am in Chicago, I'll realize that this isn't the life I want

My city's still breathing through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know will never take me anywhere but here. The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand, the strangers whose faces I know. We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say "I wanted it this way." Wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are. All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving. Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest, the best parts of lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires, and every birthday card I threw away. I wait in 4/4 time. Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.

150.

La Dispute: Fall Down, Never Get Back Up Again

I cannot stop listening to La Dispute. Fuck.

I really wish I wasn't just looking out of my window at how pretty it is outside. I am going to attempt going to the barn again today and hope that it doesn't make me feel worse. I went yesterday and started to feel better in the fresh air but all the dust and dirt eventually made me feel pretty bad. I hope that I will be better by this weekend. I think that since I've been sick I'm actually going to spend this weekend in Cincinnati and not Louisville even though I have an open invitation there. It is refreshing to meet new people, especially when they have no fear of telling their friend that they've done a shitty thing.

Out where the stones stand up like thrones beside the ocean, out where the waves make a grave of the sea the lovers struggled in the middle of the tempest. And water angrily crawled up onto the beach. Said, hold my hand and stay with me, we'll be released. But the tide clung like an anchor to her feet and though he tried to make the water line recede, it pulled her out into the sea. He could not break apart the waves to bring her safely back in. He watched her hand break through the surface once then disappear again. Forever wait inside the sea for me, my dear. I hear you. You speak in every curling wave and sing in every violent breeze. Someday not far away from here, my dear, I swear I'll see you and we will hear the seraphs cry. For they will still envy you and I. How they envied you and I. How they envied you and I

149.

I love having a black best friend.
And the fact that his name is Smooth.

148.

La Dispute: Such Small Hands.

I had a fairly decent weekend for once, except now I'm really sick. Annalise and I went to Columbus for Bathe in Bleach. I thought I was going to have to sit through some really shitty bands but they were all pretty good. The bathroom at Legion of Doom made me want to vomit. Saturday we went to Louisville. I didn't really go for any of the bands. I only ended up watching Smooth's band. Went to Spinelli's with Annalise, Kelsey, Smooth, and Dusty. Levi and Dylan disappeared somewhere? I really like Louisville and kind of want to move there.

All of the pieces fell together this weekend. I can't believe you thought you could get away with it.

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling, I think I saw you in my dreams. You were stitching up the seams on every broken promise that your body couldn't keep.I think I saw you in my sleep. I thought I heard the door open, oh no, I thought I heard the door open but I only heard it close. I thought I heard a plane crashing, but now I think it was your passion snapping. I think you saw me confronting my fear. It went up with a bottle and went down with the beer and I think you ought to stay away from here. There are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your head through your ear. I think I saw you in my sleep, lover, I think I saw you in my dreams. You were stitching up the seams on every mangled promise that your body couldn't keep. I think I saw you in my sleep.

147.

Pedro the Lion : Second Best.

I wonder if I will always be the girl to date while waiting for an exgirlfriend to come back. If I'll never really be the one someone wants. It seems to be a reoccuring event. So much for being a strong person. So much for never feeling this alone again.

I have never wanted to be so violent.

The motel, the distances, cave into kisses cold and wet familiar exchanges, like needle pulling thread. The empty movements that once were so inspired. Desperate attempts to fan the flames without a fire. The mattress creeks beneath the symphony of misery and cum, still we lie jerking back and forth and blurring into one. Second best oh second best, I can learn to live with this. Plus I really need a rest. After all what's wrong with second best? What's wrong with second best?



Photography by Larry Clark.

146.

Krystal LaMour (dragqueen) : You know, there's something about you. You look so sweet and quiet but you could also fuck the shit out of someone.

145.

Bright Eyes : Ship In A Bottle.

I am beginning to believe that there is nothing left in this city for me. There is no one new to embrance their ideals and morals. There is no one new to put my faith in and love. I need something new for the sake of my sanity. I have five months left here and as much as I'd like to make the best of it, I don't know how to anymore. I'm quickly losing my direction.

I feel better now that I have said everything I need to say. I've heard all the answers to all the questions that I've wanted to know for some time now. And I've put my heart on the line for the very last time.

I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open, that fixes all of life's mistakes. I wanna be the house that you were raised in, the only place that you feel safe. I wanna be a shower in the morning that wakes you up and makes you clean. I know I'm just the weather against your window as you sleep through a winter's dream. Someones churning the earth. Someone's stirring the sky. Every color at once in a column of lights. Bacteria breeds on a microscope slide. The worm in my heart's the apple of your eye. Don't adore what is impossible. We have built this ship in a wine bottle but if you knew how it worked, we'd have to grow old. Someone's eating at you, wakes you up in the night. If you're digging the past, who knows what you'll find. Read the newspaper print off the microfiche slide and you're holding your breath for the rest of your life. Don't you love what is intangible? I have built this ship in a wine bottle. but if you knew who I was, you would never grow old.

Photograph by Nan Goldin.

144.

I guess I just keep asking myself "Why am I not enough?"

143

You were never mine. You were never mine at all.