Thursday, September 30, 2010

298.

Small Brown Bike : Like a Future With No Friend

I'm not used to being in front of the camera, but lately I've been modeling for my Studio I classmates. Somehow they are making me somewhat photogenic. I suppose that's what a good photographer is supposed to be able to do.

I'm going back to Cincinnati tomorrow night. You haven't been talking to me at all lately. I guess sending this letter is the only thing I can do now.

Remember when you said that things would never change? You liar. Because these days things in my life, they don't stay the same. You changer. Driving (at you). Thinking (of you). Tears scream down my face. Trying (for you). Talking (to you). An incoherent mess. Pulled up to your place with a script fully prepared. I'm acting. You stared with no applause. A broken leg review. I'm failing. (Failing with you) A drawer full of nothing, except old birthdays and business cards. And photos that seem like history. A history worth nothing. Like a future with no friend.




Photographs by Elle Harrer

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

297.

Paul Baribeau : Last Time

Another weekend in Cincinnati is approaching. Basically every two to three weekends I'm in Cincinnati. It makes shooting easier, but doesn't really help the moving on process. Hopefully I will get out of this funk I am in and will start enjoying life again.

You're here for a reason. You're living and breathing. And if you keep on trying someday you'll find out why. If I love you and miss you because I probably haven't seen you in a long, long time. Just don't let it be the last time you come into my life. Maybe all this rock'n'rollin' adds up to nothing but right now it's the only thing that keeps me going. And this road leads home if I turn the car around but for now I gotta keep on moving. Just don't let it be the last time you come into my life. I could write you a letter but I don't know where to send it. Hope it's better where you're headed than wherever you are. Everywhere I go everyone I know comes with wonder how many more I can fit inside this crowded, crazy heart. Just don't let it be the last time you come into my life.

Monday, September 27, 2010

296.

I Hate Myself : Song For All The Young Casanovas And Casnovettes

Hello, gaping hole in my heart. I don't feel like myself anymore. So much for optimism.

I suggest you only ever tell lies because once you tell the truth they'll break your heart. Don't ever look them in the eyes because those eyes are gonna rip your heart apart. I recommend you keep your distance, because once you get too close , you'll lose control. Don't ever fall in love; just stay buried in your lonely hole. Take it from experience: desperate acts are ridiculous. Don't ever tell the truth, because the ones you love will do the same to you.

Friday, September 24, 2010

295.

Pedro the Lion : Of Minor Prophets and Their Prostitute Wives

I wrote you another letter. I'm still deciding on whether I should send it or not. Maybe when I won't be seeing you for awhile and you can think about what I have to say. I'm feeling even more stupid as the days go by that you don't talk to me.

All the time you were burning my letters you were only acting the part. You think without me you'll get on much better but you don't even know your own heart. Come home, darling. Come home quickly. Come home, darling. All is forgiven, so come home quickly. I treated you as if you were a princess. You treated me like a cop. I gave you boundaries to save you from certain death dangling from the end of the rope. Come home, darling. Come home quickly. Come home, darling. All is forgiven, so come home quickly. But your still playing for a love you'll never find outside of these arms of mine. The whole town is one step behind you with the hang man on call. They've got the judge and you're convicted without a plea . Darling, they will listen to me.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

294.

A girl told me about her long distance relationship that worked for almost all of her freshman year. They broke up over spring break but spent the summer and weekends sleeping together. I know that that is what I'm settling for and I know that in the long run, it's just hurting me more. I wish I wasn't settling and I wish I didn't always replay him drunkenly telling me he is still love with me. Drunken words are sober thoughts, right? I don't feel any pain now because just waking up next to him is enough for me right now. I'd rather be close to him than reject any contact. I hate that every day I try to imagine my life if I had stayed in Cincinnati. I imagine that nothing would have changed and that I would be happy. I hate that I think that because I am where I'm supposed to be. I'm in the place that I pushed to get to for four years. I'm in the place that will help me get to where I want to be. I know that the place we'll end up won't be the same place. Until the day that we no longer speak and I no longer wake up in his bed in the morning, is the day this will all hit me harder than I had imagined and I'm allowing that to happen.

I'm not unhappy. I'm not satisfied. I'm in this in between place that is a world of confusion and indifference.

Monday, September 6, 2010

293.

Paul Baribeau : How Could That Be True

Here I am; in my new apartment that I have with my best friend, starting my sophomore year of college at the best fit school for me. Yet I still feel like a part of me is missing because you are not around to share this excitement, you're not there for me to call and talk about all the things going on in our lives. I'm disappointed in the fact that I put so much of myself and my efforts into having a relationship with you, and you could not even try for me. Sometimes I think that maybe we are just in too different of places in our lives and maybe one day when we're on the same wave, we can be together again. The stupid girl in me evaluates every conversation and situation trying to make the best of it all and above all make sense of it all. I told you that I regretted you, but in actuality I do not. I do not regret falling in love with you or caring about you; those are things that I will never apologize for.

It was here that we shared one of the best days together.




Limestone Rock Quarry; Peebles, OH.

Give me all your your reckless kisses. Give me all your sleepless nights. You keep calling me up. You say that you love me but how could that be true? How could that be true? Give me all your desperate weekends. Give me all your pointless fights. You got me all messed up now. You say that you love me but how could that be true? How could that be true? I had a bad feeling about tonight but I've got a bad feeling for most of my life. Give me all your boring secrets. Give me all your stupid lies. And now I'm all torn up. You say that you love me but how could that be true? How could that be true?