257.

Jordan Dreyer ; La Dispute ; Summercamp ; Chicago, IL
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beccaflorezhoffman

I did not bring my flash because flashes at shows are quite possibly the most annoying part of shows to me. There were a ridiculous amount of cameras with huge flashes. I only saw one person nice enough to point it at the ceiling for a bounce flash. One person had a diffuser for it but it still was awful. Also I don’t take pictures that I take at shows seriously, they are more for me and experimentation. Sometimes I enjoy the typical ghostly affect. A girl in my photo class actually wants to take band promos and live shots as a profession. Props to her for the dream I suppose. Unfortunately I only got to shoot La Dispute. Several extremely large men stood in front of me for Touche Amore and I could only see the band when people were moving around.

Becca and I got to the show early and watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and South Park with La Dispute. After the show, being covered in my own sweat and Jordan’s sweat, I talked to Jordan. I say this because he remembered me after mentioning the show in Pittsburgh and him putting my face to the time. Basement shows will always be my preference because of instances like this. They are so much more intimate than large venues and I feel that fans and bands have the opportunities to interact more. I have no doubt that names and faces slip through the cracks, but the fact that Jordan eventually remembered me, made me feel like there is a need for supporting some bands, the bands who do not do it for the money but for themselves and their fans. The other bands/artist were equally as nice and appreciative. I hope to continue to go to shows at Summercamp and other houses.

256.

Nana Grizol: Tambourine-N-Thyme

It's funny how in such a large city, interacting with so many people a day, one can feel so lonely. The loneliness is turning more into a need for a companionship with someone. Not in a physical sense where I feel like I need someone to hold me constantly, but a need for a mutual feeling. Lately every romantic attempt that has come my way has made me just push it away. I'm not sure if I'm comparing them to the people of my past or if I'm waiting for the perfect one of if a relationship is really just not what I want. I miss the excitement I used to have. The same two people come to mind when I think about what I want and both are extremely unattainable. I love both of their families. Spending time just doing nothing or doing something exciting. Staying up all hours of the night talking about things that matter or things that don't matter at all. Waking up the next morning smiling because you have more than just your friends and family to care about and discover. Your clothes smelling like their sheets- almost a way to tide you over until the next time.

I've been focusing so much on myself lately, yet other than my occupational goals, I don't have my head clear. I suppose my dreams are all I really know and death really is the only promise in life.

Jump in to that water. Is it cold or is it hot, or is it nothing quite worth mentioning at all? Hearts they will awaken, to remember fears of breaking but all animals must answer to their call. It's like how when I try to write a song, sometimes the words just come out wrong. But if I never picked the pen up, held inside and never shared. And oh was that so eloquent, it wasn't really what I meant, at least you got the notion that I care. And a song well sung is a sung well song so sing. If nothing else you must remember that you're still breathing. So we ignore those body parts that get so wet and get so hard, and focus on our beating hearts, your arm to hold me here to guard me. I can sleep alone tonight, I feel weird but that's alright. I'm learning not to think too much, I turn the lights out and sleep tight. And if I make a big mistake, if anything well then it won't take forever just to find myself again. In a subjective sense we've sense we've seen a lot, yeah we make the best of what we've got. All we are is everything and everyone we've ever been so. Tell me not to fall in love with you. And frankly my friend I think that's the sweetest thing you do. Summer in my town is nice, my front porch is my paradise. And I can sit here every night, yes I can watch the world go by and know that I'm in motion to occasionally think of you and just hope that you realize that when you sit here by my side, whatever that implies will be just fine. My heart beats like a tambourine that plays along in time.

255.

254.

The National : Slow Show

I overanalyze every situation and tend to put most of the blame on myself. I'm starting to realize who I really want in my life now and who doesn't deserve to be.

I registered for next semester. I'm excited to get out of black and white and into color for awhile. My sophmore year is going to be awesome and I really just want to get to that point. I also can't wait until Becca and I find our perfect apartment.

I have a lot of anxious feelings toward going home.

Standing at the punch table swallowing punch, can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone. A little more stupid, a little more scared, every minute more unprepared. I made a mistake in my life today. Everything I love gets lost in drawers. I want to start over, I want to be winning way out of sync from the beginning. I wanna hurry home to you, put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain. God I’m very, very frightening. I’ll overdo it. Looking for somewhere to stand and stay, I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away. Can I get a minute of not being nervous and not thinking of my dick? My leg is sparkles, my leg is pins. I better get my shit together, better gather my shit in. You could drive a car through my head in five minutes from one side of it to the other. I wanna hurry home to you, put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain. God I’m very, very frightening. I’ll overdo it. You know I dreamed about you for twenty-nine years before I saw you. You know I dreamed about you. I missed you for twenty-nine years. You know I dreamed about you for twenty-nine years before I saw you. You know I dreamed about you. I missed you for twenty-nine years.

253.

I wish I could confidently explore other art forms at school. Maybe this summer I'll experiment with new media. I wrote an essay for my writing class on Nan Goldin's Ballad of Sexual Dependency because it is one of the biggest influences on my own work.

"For me, the major meaning of the slideshow is how you can become sexually addicted to somebody and that has absolutely nothing in common with love."

Well said Nan.

252.

"One day you fall for this boy and he touches you with his fingers and he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. It hurts when you look at him and it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone has cut you open with a jagged piece of glass."

251.

I want my childhood back. The one that was wrongfully stolen from me.

250.

La Dispute : Fairmount

I'm rapidly losing my faith in everyone. It seems that lately the people I have written off are coming back for some sort of redemption, like a far too late explanation can resolve everything. Then the ones I wish would find their ways back to me are far from doing so. I don't necessarily feel lonely anymore, I just feel a lot of disappointment. I'm disappointed in myself for having faith. I'm disappointed in myself for being disappointed when things don't go as I'd hoped. I'm disappointed in the poor decisions made by the people I love. School seems to be the only thing I have control over anymore. I'm thriving there. I should be more than pleased with myself for that but I never have been one for enjoying my accomplishments alone. Learning happiness alone has always been a difficult task for me. So many people that I care about are getting hurt and I know there is nothing I can do about it. In a perfect world, every person would receive what they give. Unfortunately this isn't a perfect world.

You've been out of my life more than you've been in it. Yet somehow I think about you everyday.

Underneath the laughs there lies a need that nobody is getting and an honesty that doesn't stretch far enough to show us all how much this will mean to us, my dear. And when we're old we'll tell ourselves that we did everything that we could to save this. But now we do nothing. I've slept for twenty years, but I've acted strong at least. If you're leaving again, then you're leaving again, and you're gone. And I feel nothing anymore, so just keep walking away. Thirty-thousand steps, I'll watch you for every second and never feel alone. I've been sleeping for at least the last two years my dear, my princess, my sister, my lover, my friend. I made you a bed of thorns for every rose you ever left outside my door, that's all you ever left me. Lay your scars out in rows to show me what I've done to you. Lay your scars out in rows, it was my weakness that couldn't save us. So lay your scars out in rows. We were one and what are we now? Act strong, at least and don't turn around. If I'm leaving, then I'm leaving, and I'm leaving, and I'm gone. We move as one.

249.

The realization that I care about people far more than they do me, kills me. I offer so much more than I receive and I feel like that is how it is always going to be. I'm getting on fine without you now. The fact that you've found someone new doesn't hurt me anymore, but the fact that you cannot even maintain a friendship due to the distance makes me feel a whole lot of emotions I do not want to feel. I'm not sure if I should feel worthless and offended or if I should feel sorry for you and your lack of making real connections with people. Coming back to Cincinnati again will be an interesting endeavor. November 23-29 I'll be in Cincinnati. I was planning on limiting the list of people I spend time with. Then I realized that I have so much due for my photography final that I need to spend time with as many people as possible, considering my lack of models in Chicago.