Thursday, April 30, 2009

187.

While driving downtown I witnessed a large black woman driving a van full of children with bumper stickers saying "Real men love Jesus" and "Try Jesus."

I have eleven days left of school. Someone get an apartment with me in Chicago so I'm not broke.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

186.

You had to do this, didn't you?

185.


New friends drinking water out of champagne bottles.


184.

I lied. I do miss you.

Friday, April 24, 2009

182.

From Sunday to Tuesday I stayed at my house alone because my mom and her boyfriend were out of town. Yesterday my mom asked me if I had a party because the motion lights in the backyard were unscrewed and the hood to her boyfriend's Jag was popped open, but no damage done. I didn't have a party. Also I noticed "got you..." is written on my whiteboard. I really hope Chase, Rodney, Ben, or Annalise wrote it. I'm paranoid to be in my own house now. It probably didn't help that I spent several days watching extremely fucked up movies.

I have fifteen days of school left, the sun is finally shining, and I'm starting to feel good again. I'm going to drive myself to actually go to school these last three weeks. It feels so good to be almost at the finish line.

Antibodies.
The Children.
The Poughkeepsie Tapes.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

181.

we are children dressed as surgeons
but disturbed by the sight of our scars.




Sara Bell ; Park Hills, KY.

Monday, April 20, 2009

180.

I just got extremely excited. La Dispute and Native are playing in Marion, Indiana. It's only two hours and fifty-five minutes away, which is not a bad drive at all. It's July 27th. If you're interested, tag along. I don't know anyone in Marion, oh well.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

179.

I will not be attending my senior prom this evening. Everyone is telling me that I'm going to regret not going when I'm older. I haven't regretted anything I've ever done, why start now? I have never been one for traditions especially ones having to do with high school. I'm trying to get through these last couple of weeks and start my life.

178.



No longer.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

177.

I am in no mood for lies. I am in no mood for deception.

I am amazed at how much I've heard "I'm not like him, I'm not like those other guys" lately. Shouldn't I have a heart of stone by now? Repelling any sort of love and compassion, even if it is all a game.

I'm hoping for a good day soon.

176.

I am really not that hard to please. I don't understand why people continuously think that lies will make me feel better than the truth. If there's a time I want to see you, and you want to see your friends, tell me. I swear I won't be angry. And if I'm really not what you were looking or hoping for, tell me. I won't be angry.

My new birth control is making me insane. I can't wait until my body gets used to it. I'm constantly emotional and exhausted. I haven't felt like this in awhile and it's so hard to put into words.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

175.

I fell like we're starting to fade out and it scares me. Please don't be like him. Please don't be like everyone else.









Sara Bell ; Park Hills, KY.

Monday, April 13, 2009

174.

Bon Iver : Skinny Love.

I told you to be patient. I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced. I told you to be kind. In the morning I'll be with you but it will be a different kind. I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owning all the fines.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

173.

Last night I worked my first fashion show. It was fairly low key but it was exciting and stressful. A lot of people came out so that was a plus for the local stores and designers. Although I don't understand how someone who has never worked a fashion show is responsible for dressing and undressing two models in five minutes. I guess it's good practice.

I was in Cincinnati for all of five hours this weekend. Lexington wasn't very exciting this weekend, but it was okay because that was not my reason for driving down. Smooth went to two shows so I didn't get to be with him as much as I'd like to have.

Waking up to something beautiful.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

172.

I have twenty-five days left of high school.
It couldn't get here any sooner.

171.

Practice what you preach.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

170.

In the past few days I've had a lot of motivation to better myself and my surroundings. I had a photo shoot today that I think went pretty well. I have three more this week and a show on Thursday. This summer I think I'm going to do more competitive shows. I really want to start painting again.

I'm working on not dwelling on my past, but looking at it as being a part of my life that has had an effect on who I am now.

Don't be like the rest of them, please.

169.

I hate you for making it nearly impossible for enjoying someone new. I hope you're satisfied.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

168.

I'm currently working and this man came in asking for change.

"Thank you so much, I'm going to come back and marry you. Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Kind of, haha."
"Does he treat you well?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"I bet he loves you."

Even though he was a complete stranger and knows nothing about me, it made my day and made me feel really good. He gave me a tip just for making change for him!

167.

Is it completely selfish of me to wish that words you wrote were about me?

Last night was nice. Not many people I knew were at Grammers except for the people I love. I'm glad to be hanging out again, especially when it is in small groups. Sitting down at a table laughing or dancing upstairs- either way I was with people I love. But I think the highlight of the evening was Gerald walking into the room everytime I said something about being naked or my boob. I swear it's really not my main topic of conversation.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

166.

Happy birthday, Sara!

165.

I wish I had someone who made me excited to wake up every morning, anxious to speak to, and sleep well at night. I have my few options right now, and there are flaws in all of them. Part of me feels like if I've been waiting this long for someone that I shouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve or want. But part of me doesn't want to be alone for the next five months. And another part of me is afraid of falling in love before I leave. I don't want to change my path for anyone and I'm thinking that if I meet someone who I really care about and want to be with, I'll change my path and make the worst mistake of my life. I'm losing inspiration in my artwork. I'm afraid that once I'm in Chicago, I'll completely lose it. I was having a pretty good day yesterday, unusally hyper, but then I got my rejection letter for one of the Columbia scholarships. My mom told me what I expected to hear from her, but I don't necessarily believe. She said it has nothing to do with my capability or my artwork, just the fact that it was a long shot because of all the applications. At least I have a computer-geek friend that helped me make my digitial portfolio. Or at least I hope I still have that friend. I've been restless lately. My legs and hands are constantly shaking and it's hard for me to sleep at night. Kelsey and I had a very productive day at the barn yesterday and it felt really good, regardless of being exhausted and my aching back. I'm also afraid that since Dobbin is staying in Cincinnati my first year, that I won't have somewhere in Chicago to escape to and be involved in so much that I forget about everything else. It pretty much comes down to the fact that I am restless and scared. Maybe this whole rant was pointless.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

164.

Happy birthday, beautiful.
You would have been eighteen today.
April 1, 1991 - May 2, 2005.



I still haven't been to your grave and it's been almost four years. Maybe this year I will visit you. I see your brother every now and then. I haven't seen or talked to your mom in over 2 years. I hope she's doing well. I miss you so much.

I remember you kept begging me to wear my black "fairy" skirt and fish nets so we could be matching and I could step out of the box. I remember you always criticized my music taste if it wasn't punk enough, but I never cared. I remember you running up to me at Bogarts and hugging me, even though you didn't like to hug, but you were so excited for me to meet Jake. I remember writing "ejaculation" on your shoes after explaining what is was in art class. I hope those shoes are still where I saw them last.