My final thoughts:

I thought that you would be the one to help me get over my fears of relationships, considering you were my first new attempt in a year. In reality, you just created all new ones. I wish that everything you said to me had not made me feel so good and just turn out to be lies.

I don't think I am going to date until I move to Chicago. Even then, I probably won't. Just when I'm back up on my feet, I'm pushed down again. This time, let's hope I get back up a lot faster.

140.

Tomorrow I am modeling for a drawing class. It was really weird to be asked to model. Supposedly I am interesting looking? Anyway, I also find it weird that people make up so many stories about me. I don't talk to very many people at school so nobody really knows me and if I'm absent for a few days, there is some elaborate story about why I was gone. I guess that's the best entertainment for some people.

It's not funny to pretend someone is dead. It's not funny at all.

139.

I still don't have the reassurance I need to know that this is worth it, that I'm not wasting my time. I'm promising myself not to fall under your spell before saying what needs to be said. Holding my hand as I'm driving and forehead kisses won't get you out of this one.

138.

After not talking to you for four days, I have now convinced myself of the worst.

137.

Dear you,

I am already to the point that I am terrified of our future. Any day now you could repeat the same lines I've heard over and over again. I want to hear something new, lines that won't break my heart. Every time I start to worry, a good thing starts to fail. I want some reassurance that after a year of not dating anyone, I'm not putting my heart on the line for something that won't matter or last. I've wasted a year trying to be with people that will never feel the same for me, again or ever. Everything you do makes me feel something inside of me that I've never felt before. I don't mind the long drives because I know what comes at the end of the road.

Your Over-analyzing Girl



Photograph by Nan Goldin.

Mirah : Body Below

Everything is falling into place and I'm on my toes as to what happens next.

There's a story I could tell when the cold wind starts to blow Like a whisper in the night from a friend that you know. It says "Keep holding on to my body below. Forsake me not, don't ever leave me alone." There was a time when the sun gave it's life to the trees and the air it smelled sweeter for the honey and the bees. The ocean rolled salty and wild and free. The fruit swelled and ripened and burst with their seeds. But what starts with desire can turn into need. The chest gets all tight like it's got some disease. What burns in the fire just ends up as coals. What floats on the water can sink like a stone. Now i want to believe every word that you say. I want you to need me to not go away. Have trust in the nighttime and faith in the day to walk on the water, be never afraid. Can you bear it upon you? My love has gone under, above all the stars have forgotten to glow. But if you keep holding on to my body below you, I'll warm you and keep you from feeling alone.

Painting by : Gustav Klimt "The Kiss"

133.

Please explain to me why you are so perfect for me.
Please don't be too good to be true.

132.

Elliott Smith : Going Nowhere

I am torturing myself. I chose to work on Valentine's Day so that I would keep myself occupied and kill time until I possibly drive to Greensburg/Lexington. Of course I didn't weigh in the fact that I work in a boutique where many people come to buy gifts. Also I have been listening to Elliott Smith all day. I've been here since 3 and have already had to help pick out gifts for girlfriends or mothers. My mom bought me a big bag of red Sweedish Fish and a card. I didn't buy her anything so maybe I'll make her something while I'm here. Or I'll just buy her one of the nice cards we sell here. I really hope that I won't be in Cincinnati tonight.

Saw you move a certain way, missed you a lot. Return to this abandoned place, should a been forgot. Echoes drown the conversation out. Echoes that only seem to bring about a silent expression, things you may allow going nowhere.

131.

I don't have much to update on besides a few new pictures.

Paige Pederzani - Park Hills, KY.

130.

Hey, that's me.

129.

I finally have a computer. The adventure getting it was amusing and extremely uncomfortable. I have a Powerbook G4. I'm getting a new MacBook before I go to Chicago.

I'm really happy right now. The sun is shining and temperature is nice. Plus I have something really good going for me.

This weekend I plan on watching The Saddle Club with Kelsey because we are twelve years old and don't care.

I am so glad that I am finally happy.

Paige Pederzani - Park Hills, KY.

128.

Everywhere I look is something concerning Valentine's Day. It makes me want to puke. With the exception of Rodney, I never celebrated it with anyone other than my dad. He would always buy me a stuffed animal and my favorite chocolates. The last Valentine's Day present I got from him was a dancing stuffed dog that sang "Sugar pie honey bunch, you know that I love you."

127.

Bright Eyes: Puella Quam Amo Est Pulchra

I haven't felt this good in a long time.

I had a beautiful, beautiful time. The drives and the talks were amazing. The kind of friend I though I'd never find. I had a beautiful, beautiful time. You have a beautiful, beautiful smile, the way it cuts and collapses on your lips. And when you touch me, I shake like a child. It's late, I'm afraid you might leave because sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me. And there's nothing I can do to concentrate. It's so distracting always thinking of you. So I expose and explain and I meant everything that I said. It's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head when I'm laying in bed. It's a beautiful, beautiful time as you laugh and roll onto your stomach. The carpet embraces your design. My heart pounds as I lay by your side because sometimes I find that I am unable to hide all these feelings that flow in this basement. And in this dim light you look so beautiful. I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say. I'm happy when you are near and I wish that forever could stay just like today. You have beautiful, beautiful eyes so bright and alive and enchanting. I want to be with you all of the time. It's hopeless but I have to try anyway.

126.

Never have I ever let my guard down this fast.
Never have I ever felt this comfortable.
Never have I ever wanted to stay in the middle of no where for longer than necessary.
Never have I ever wanted to sew someone to my side.
Never have I ever felt this way.



I lose.
Or maybe I'm really winning.

125

I want to feel alive. I want to feel something real. I want someone to sweep me off of my feet and make me experience the world in a new way. Possibly all I really need is a change of scenery. I've lost my creative energy.

Aaron and I are going to start going to parks all the time when the weather gets better. I can't wait.

124.

Today, at work, I was putting tights on a mannequin. Two middle aged men took pictures of me doing so. I'm glad everyone finds my work so amusing.

123.

I have so many options, yet all I want is the old.